To hyphenate last name or not?
My first wife grew up with almost all the interesting name problems you can have. She went by a diminutive form of her middle name (Becky) which had a different initial than her legal name (Rebecca) and her last name was two non hyphenated last names (5 syllables total!)
She was fairly progressive, but when we got married she took my name, I think largely to get rid of having two last names of her own. After our divorce she's remarried and now has his last name as well. She didn't leave any traces of her maiden last names behind. I'm still not sure what her status of her 'real' first name is these days, or what she thinks her initials are. She's had a lot of name confusion to say the least!
Current wife also took my name, but did the maiden name as middle name and at work, where she had a career under her maiden name she effective has two non-hypenated last names. In her personal life her maiden name is just her middle name these days. Her original middle name is essentially lost to time, but it was 'Ann', which was about 75% of the girls born in the 70s middle names. My sister also did this. Her middle name is also gone. Her middle name was also 'Ann'.
I had some strange friends that actually decided to 'mash up' their names and create a new last name. They're since divorced, and she's remarried with her new husband's last name all 'regular'. He kept his mashed-up new last name.
So having been around people with a lot of variation on names, I think I prefer the maiden name as middle name strategy. But I think in this day and age it has stopped 'really' mattering. People are pretty accepting of just about anything you do - although the 'mash up' name is still pretty weird.
I can't recall when I was last introduced to a couple with hyph.names. It was a thing in the '70's.
And of course, when I look for a reference source to answer complex questions, where else but Carlin? "...... Choose a f...in Name."
My ex's mother was was given a new first name at a commune back in the 60's, so her name went from Jane Doe to Samantha Doe (obviously pseudonyms). She used the new first name but didn't have the money to legally change it. Then she got married and went from Samantha Doe to Samantha Smith. When she got divorced she slipped Samantha into the paperwork. Name changes are common during divorce but you usually expect to see the last name changed, not the first.
The bank isn't so understanding though so her checking account has both Jane Doe and Samantha Smith listed on the checks even though she is the only person on the account.
Whatever you do, always be consistent. I have one legal name, which is my birth name. It is on every document I own. When signing legal papers a few years ago, I was told by my attorney to sign some papers with my husband's last name, even though I never used it. turned out the IRS needed supporting documents, but they could not be released because they did not match the name on my account. Bank would not release brokerage statements because they were in my real, not husband's name. Bank wanted me to submit proof of name change which did not exist because I never changed by name, so it took 6 months and endless aggravation to prove my name.
As far as socially, most of my kids friends call me either A's mom or Mrs Kids last name. Teachers almost always get it right. I don't care, and plenty of moms don't chsnge.Husband's family uniformally address me with husband's surname, but that's a passive aggressive thing.
Mr Campbell used to care that I did not take his name, in light of the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in 25 years. My explanation was that my name is just my name and I didn't feel like I should have to change it because I was married. I can't really use my name for a kids or my middle, because my last name is female first name, and that would confuse everyone
The dumbest thing around this I've seen recently was a man with a hyphenated name gets married and his new wife takes the hyphenated name. Really silly. So, now she's stuck with two names, the hyphen and NEITHER of the names are hers
I hyphenated as I had my own business identity at the time. My husband was never bothered by this. Now I go by either that, his last name or my maiden name. My best friend will always use my maiden name. My sister never changed her last name.
OK.
I guess now we (and/or our children) are unfashionable, dumb, and silly.
Or, sometimes people don't mind carrying a few pieces of history, or remembering those who were lost, in their name.
campbell29 said:
Whatever you do, always be consistent. I have one legal name, which is my birth name. It is on every document I own. When signing legal papers a few years ago, I was told by my attorney to sign some papers with my husband's last name, even though I never used it. turned out the IRS needed supporting documents, but they could not be released because they did not match the name on my account. Bank would not release brokerage statements because they were in my real, not husband's name. Bank wanted me to submit proof of name change which did not exist because I never changed by name, so it took 6 months and endless aggravation to prove my name.
As far as socially, most of my kids friends call me either A's mom or Mrs Kids last name. Teachers almost always get it right. I don't care, and plenty of moms don't chsnge.Husband's family uniformally address me with husband's surname, but that's a passive aggressive thing.
Mr Campbell used to care that I did not take his name, in light of the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in 25 years. My explanation was that my name is just my name and I didn't feel like I should have to change it because I was married. I can't really use my name for a kids or my middle, because my last name is female first name, and that would confuse everyone
Ditto on being consistent, regardless of what you choose for a name. I worked with a woman who married but kept her name. When they had a daughter they gave her the father's name. No problems. But then years later the family was flying out of the country and she decided that they should travel "as a family" (her words) so she used the husband's last name on ALL the tickets. When they got to the airport there was no issue with the husband or daughter, but my co-worker wasn't allowed on the flight because her ticket didn't match her passport. Thankfully they had arrived at the airport 4 hours before the flight as recommended for international travel. She had to run home from the airport, grab her marriage licence, and return to prove who she was and they then allowed her on the flight. She made it in time, but it was close.
Socially you can use whatever name you want and switch it up three times a day if it makes you happy. But when it comes to paperwork, forms, and legal documents, remember to always use the name on your identification.
The not fashionable part probably doesn't apply as it was much more in fashion 20 yearsago, which is more likely when you hyphenated. You are probably right there on the trend back in the day. It is done much less frequently today.
And the silly was in context of the woman at my work who married a guy with a hyphenated name. It is really a bit too much to expect a woman to take on a hyphenated name where the parts don't belong to her
Got married much less than 20 years ago. As it has never been a trend to have both spouse's hyphenate (as far as I know), we've probably never been in fashion.
When my children, who have the same hyphenated name, get married, they and their spouse will get to choose what to do. If their spouse wants to carry on our family's history in the name, the spouse can take the hyphenated name.
My own spouse thought it important enough to hyphenate his own name. I guess someone else could judge it as silly, but it's only the spouses' thoughts on it that matter.
When it comes to names, all choices are valid as long as the couple in question agrees. I kept my own name and have never had a problem and never regretted that choice. Our child has my husband's name. I know families in which some kids have one parent's name, and some the other.
My sister has been married and divorced three times and has changed her name six times now .. To hub A, then back, hub B, then back, then hyphenated w hub C, and back. Whew! As an academic, I have seen this kind of thing played out in people's publication records ... It is really making your private life completely visible to professional colleagues.
And in the next generation .... My niece's husband took her name, which he preferred to his father's name (father left family when he was a baby, never paid support ...). My other niece took her wife's name. I am sure my remaining nieces (I have no nephews) and my own daughter will add another model or two to the family if they ever choose to marry. It is all good.
campbell29 said:
\My explanation was that my name is just my name and I didn't feel like I should have to change it because I was married.
To me, this was one of the core issues. I disliked the symbolism that suggested that marriage changed my identity far more than it did my husbands. We didn't want to hyphenate, for a variety of reasons, so keeping our own names has worked well.
We decided to be conventional enough to give our kids their fathers name, on the theory of not giving unnecessary complexity to small children (e.g. by giving girls my last name, and boys his)
I missed that you both hyphenated your names and passed on to your children. Silly or not, you've passed a level of complexity onto them that will create some future challenges
conandrob240 said:
I missed that you both hyphenated your names and passed on to your children. Silly or not, you've passed a level of complexity onto them that will create some future challenges
OK. We'll keep an eye out. Haven't had any issues in the past decade. And a plus has been that there has never been anyone else with the same last name to be confused with.
My experience is there's always a level of complexity regardless.
Recently at a conference, a few of us were discussing getting names wrong (the name on someone's tag was printed incorrectly). Another woman whose name was something like Jane Hudson stated that she is constantly amazed how people either misspell her name, or can't pronounce it.
So I'd say, go ahead and hyphenate, just be consistent, and anticipate that people will spell it incorrectly here and there.
conandrob240 said:
I missed that you both hyphenated your names and passed on to your children. Silly or not, you've passed a level of complexity onto them that will create some future challenges
Judge much? I feel confident that Sprout and her family can competently manage their own affairs without your not so helpful warning.
Have the children married over the past decade? I would imagine that's when it's going to get more complex. It made me LOL that a grown woman would take a hyphenated man's name. She gave up her own name and is now stuck with the hassle of a hyphen she has no investment in. To me, that is ridiculous.
conandrob240 said:
Have the children married over the past decade? I would imagine that's when it's going to get more complex. It made me LOL that a grown woman would take a hyphenated man's name. She gave up her own name and is now stuck with the hassle of a hyphen she has no investment in. To me, that is ridiculous.
To each his/her own. What may seem ridiculous to you may actually add to another family's sense of togetherness. Kids getting married will figure it out on their own just as most of us did when we got married. Don't worry so much about the future, live in the now 
A double-barreled name, hyphenated or not, is just that, a name. Singular. A woman who chooses to take a spouse's name, regardless of its punctuation or number of syllables, surely feels invested in it and doesn't consider herself "stuck with the hassle," no matter who may disrespect her by laughing out loud at her choice. One hopes that happens infrequently, if at all, in polite company.
Here's an interesting article from The Times: "The practice of keeping one’s maiden name after marriage — which appears to have declined sometime in the 1980s or 1990s — has begun rising again."
http://nyti.ms/1JpFaD4
I just did FirstName MaidenName SpouseSurname with no hyphens. Most of the time, that means that my maiden name is my middle name but occasionally someone will put "MaidenName SpouseSurname" as my last name and then we have to search through whatever list to find me. I have a friend who also did FirstName MaidenName SpouseSurname with no hyphens but intentionally used "MaidenName SpouseSurname" as her last name.
So there are as many ways to do it as you can imagine.
As someone noted, there are some systems that hiccup over the hyphen character. I would be pretty PO-ed if I couldn't get TSA-pre due to a hyphen, so that's worth considering if you travel by air much.
sprout said:
conandrob240 said:OK. We'll keep an eye out. Haven't had any issues in the past decade. And a plus has been that there has never been anyone else with the same last name to be confused with.
I missed that you both hyphenated your names and passed on to your children. Silly or not, you've passed a level of complexity onto them that will create some future challenges
Well, we've managed for over 20 years. It may be out of fashion, as you said, but I only knew one family with a hyphenated name growing up, and now my kids know many, many other kids with hyphens. So it seems to be self-perpetuating despite not being trendy. You can have a problem with people screwing up your name regardless of the presence of a hyphen. Should people with difficult to pronounce or spell names NOT saddle their kids with that hassle? My kids don't think of it as a hassle because it is the only name they have ever had and they feel a strong sense of ownership. It is unique and it belongs to us. When/if they marry and have kids, they can sort it out themselves and we will support their decision.
If you think hyphenating is a hassle or trendy or silly, don't do it. But don't be so quick to judge others about it. It has worked out great for us and was a mutual decision early in our marriage that is part of our bond. Lucky for me, I married young and didn't have to worry about reconciling a pre-marriage professional life.
Oh yes, and my husband especially liked have my last-name first because it gave him an alphabetic promotion. :-D
PS: I've had no problem with getting TSA-pre or anything else with official documents while traveling domestically or internationally. Sometimes the hyphens are dropped because of computer system limitations, but both names are there and that has been good enough so far.
The hyphenated version always seemed very upper crust Brit to me (e.g. George Spencer-Churchill, Camilla Parker-Bowles, and William Mountbatten-Windsor.)
While the unhyphenated version seems very mid-20th century American. My mother and all her friends did it, and I always presumed it was a la Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, et al.
Either way, I totally get why some people choose to hyphenate or use unhyphenated double-barreled names these days, or why they keep their maiden names (especially if they've published a lot under them). What I don't get is how anyone can care or get upset about what others choose to do with their own names, barring anything patently offensive.
Both women I've married have chosen to take my last name because it's very short (4 letters) vs. very long and difficult to spell.
Now I'm wondering if the only reason they married me was to save time on spelling out their last names over the phone..
We got married 30 years ago and both of us combined our names with a hyphen (my last name-his last name). Back then very few people hyphenated (especially men). Funny enough, it was not a particularly major discussion for us, the longest conversation was on which name would go first.
All these years later, we have three children with hyphenated names who will have to make similar decisions with their spouses. In hindsight, we wouldn't change a thing. Good luck!
There is a timely article in today's NYT about the rise in the use of maiden names...
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/upshot/maiden-names-on-the-rise-again.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=1
My ex took my name, but continued to use her maiden name professionally. I think her drivers license had her maiden name as her middle name in case it ever became an issue.
While I agree you should be consistent on legal documents, my ex was told by our attorney that as long as there is no intent to defraud, it's not that big a deal to use one or the other. But consistency was important so that there was no question, for example, about insurance, wills, etc.
Thank you so much everyone!!! A lot of food for thought!! Really appreciate it!
That really wasn't the question, although I do wonder who might decide.
@finnegan, good point -- school directories in our experience, both public and private, for all 16 years, listed parents separately and alphabetically when there were different last names. We always had two entries.