Parents, Consider Underachieving

In our time we talked about a "generation gap" but the parents of that time largely left us alone and we were better off for it. 

Here’s a working gift link to the article.

I wonder how much of this phenomenon is related to the wealth gap in America. It’s keeping up with the Joneses, although now the Joneses are online and have 2 million followers and sponsorship deals with Six Flags and Apple. Plus the wealthy are just that much more visible. 

Also, it’s easy to keep going to the same well, but the current crop of kids got robbed of a good portion of their childhood by the COVID pandemic. Remote school. Lots of cancelled birthday parties, family events, trips, sporting events, even just play dates and hangouts. I think there’s a huge urge for parents to try to compensate for that. 

I do think that prior to the pandemic there were plenty of the parental excesses described in the article. And that it’s worth a discussion.  Like, I don’t know when it became de rigeur for every birthday party to include a “goodie bag” for each attendee filled with little trinkets and maybe some candy.  One of my little pet peeves. 

mrincredible said:

I don’t know when it became de rigeur for every birthday party to include a “goodie bag” for each attendee filled with little trinkets and maybe some candy.  One of my little pet peeves. 

don't know how old you or your kids are, but the  this was a thing at least 20-25 years ago when my kid was in the age range for birthday parties. The goodie bags were ideally matched to the party's theme, which was also required. You needed the professionally decorated cake with Shrek or Woody or the Little Mermaid or whatever on it, games, invitations, and RSVP cards to match, and clever little doodads in the goodie bags that also matched the theme. I spent more time planning any one of my kid's parties than I did planning my wedding, no exaggeration (I had a small family-only wedding).

When I was a kid in the late 60s we had a cake our moms made from a mix, and some kids over to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. Cheaper, easier on the parents, and I can't imagine it was that much less fun.

In the last few years, I have seen people who live near me arrange bouncy castles and petting zoos for parties for kids too young for school. in case they are reading this, I am not blaming them, I am blaming the world and the insane expectations on parents.

The goodie bag goes back at least 30-35 years, to my kids' bday party days.  Though ours weren't themed, and neither were the parties.  Cakes were generally homemade (and looked it). Number of guests = age of honoree.  In the later kid years, we cut down the number of guests and went places (aquarium and Sports 'n' Games come to mind), without having the venue plan the event.

Actually, looking farther back, i think when i was a kid (talking 1950s here) you would maybe bring home a "favor" from the party.  No clue what the favor might have been.

/end drift

I have to agree with Mjc - and I’m talking late ‘60s & ‘70s.  The party favours were generally things like balloons to inflate at home, or jelly beans/cupcakes, or maybe a thank-you card and maybe a small notepad or a pen. 

We also had smaller parties - maybe 10 or 12 kids, most of whom were relatives.  We did treasure hunting in the backyard, or went to the local park for swings and slides… I do remember a clown came once, a cousin had a fairy, and another had a magician - my younger brother ruined his act, loudly screaming where the rabbit was hidden etc. 

I don't remember birthday parties with friends being a regular thing in the 60s.  More likely to have cake and candles with family.  I do remember pin the tail on the donkey.   

bub said:

I don't remember birthday parties with friends being a regular thing in the 60s.  More likely to have cake and candles with family.  I do remember pin the tail on the donkey.   

We had them in the 60s when I was growing up. What I don't remember from those days are birthday parties for babies and toddlers which seem to be increasingly larger and more elaborate these days. We didn't do a birthday party for my older child until she was three or four and had preschool friends to include. I think we did it at two for the younger one, mainly because big sister was adamant about it.

sac said:

We had them in the 60s when I was growing up.

Same here, from age 4 to maybe 7 or 8. After that, it was family-only for me, although I remember attending a classmate’s party in fifth or sixth grade.

I can’t recall a single appearance by any parent, however, in all my school days.

I grew up in Millburn.The first house I lived in (now a parking lot) was on Brookside Drive, across from the playhouse.  I recall playing IN the brook that runs beside the playhouse and getting myself soaking wet. There were older kids that were there - maybe to watch us younger kids. They were probably 8 or 9.

I was 6 when we moved to Ocean Street. The block was loaded with kids and I came home from school, put on "play clothes" and was out of the house until supper time. Play included softball in the street and football in one of the several vacant lots. Or we would explore the stream that now runs under Millburn Avenue and under the high school.

Mom wasn't worried enough to ask, "Where Did You Go? What Did You Do?"  Those questions became the title of a book about 20 years later.

Roller skates - Mechanic Street had - still has a smooth roadway, No pebbles in it. You could skate up and down the street without your bones being jarred to the breaking point, And we did.... I recall us kids skating to 10:00 at night in the summer.

On the negative side was the town's DDT mosquito sprayer. The driver would drive over the town's streets and the truck bed had a big sprayer with a guy on a seat, spraying the trees and shrubs. He had wheels that he used to direct the sprayer. 

"SPRAY US !"   And of course, he did.  Some say that's why I may be a bit off kilter or out of focus some times.What do you think?

Alls I know is, we had fun.

First world problems…. 

We had them but they weren't regular.  I don't recall any kid having a birthday party every year.  They were modest (I grew up in a housing project and the apartments were pretty tiny). 

Those old metal roller skates with the keys were pretty lame, though they  make me smile now.   They didn't exactly glide very well.  I can hear the rough sound of them rolling across the asphalt as I write this. 

bub said:

Those old metal roller skates with the keys were pretty lame, though they  make me smile now.   They didn't exactly glide very well.  I can hear the rough sound of them rolling across the asphalt as I write this. 

"...rolling across the asphalt..."   That's why Mechanic street was so wonderful. No stones in the tar. Just plain tar.. Easy rolling.

bub said:

We had them but they weren't regular.  I don't recall any kid having a birthday party every year.

Same here.

 back to the burden on parents ... can't answer for now, whether it is worse or better, as my kid has grown. but I can attest that the pressure was real 20-25 years ago. Back then employers were less understanding too. We had to take vacation time if we wanted to do anything at the kids school, and it had to be approved so you had to basically beg for the time. Much higher burden on moms at the time and employers would class you as "mommy track" if you did it too much. 

Now, it is state law that you can use sick time for meetings about your kid or taking your kid to the doctor, and they aren't allowed to ask why you are taking a single day sick time. I don't know if it also pertains to field trips, volunteering, etc. 

I also don't remember any parent presence at all in the school when I was a kid, except for one girl in a wheelchair. Her mom came every day as there were no special ed teachers or aides for special needs back then.(at least not in my school in "dogpatch" poor New England.)  Otherwise I think it would have been really weird to see parents around the school.

HatsOff said:

Otherwise I think it would have been really weird to see parents around the school.

One appearance that I forgot in my earlier post was the time my mother was a chaperone during a field trip to D.C. in middle school. Heeding a school’s call for parent volunteers, though, seems like it’s outside the Consider Underachieving request.

Parent teacher day.  That was it.

HatsOff said:

 back to the burden on parents ... can't answer for now, whether it is worse or better, as my kid has grown. but I can attest that the pressure was real 20-25 years ago. Back then employers were less understanding too. We had to take vacation time if we wanted to do anything at the kids school, and it had to be approved so you had to basically beg for the time. Much higher burden on moms at the time and employers would class you as "mommy track" if you did it too much. 

agree. There was not much understanding for two-working parent homes 20-25 years ago. It was definitely harder on moms, but in some workplaces (like mine back in the day), it was assumed the dads wouldn't be that involved. The mom should be the one picking the kids up at day care (if she wasn't staying at home of course). I actually had a boss tell me our family needed to get a nanny so I could be in the office until 8pm every night. As if I'd be ok getting home after my kids were asleep.

I think it's better now. But probably still not easy juggling kid and family with work if you've got a job with a lot of responsibility.

and after leaving that job, I worked at home for 3 years. My kids were in elementary school and I actually tried to show up for stuff during the school day like concerts or plays. I even worked as an art aide for a while, which was fun. The Jefferson art teacher (it's been 20+ years so I'm not recalling her name) was terrific.  Once in a while I'd come in with a guitar and sing to the class for a special occasion. (I still recall the teacher singing Sam Cooke's "Cupid" with me on Valentine's Day   ). 

but to the larger point, there weren't a ton of things that put pressure on parents to show up for during the school day. But maybe 25 years ago the norm in SOMA was two parents working outside the home. These days, between stay at home and work at home, a lot of parents might feel it's mandatory to get over to school for activities during the day.

ml1 said:

and after leaving that job, I worked at home for 3 years. My kids were in elementary school and I actually tried to show up for stuff during the school day like concerts or plays. I even worked as an art aide for a while, which was fun. The Jefferson art teacher (it's been 20+ years so I'm not recalling her name) was terrific.  Once in a while I'd come in with a guitar and sing to the class for a special occasion. (I still recall the teacher singing Sam Cooke's "Cupid" with me on Valentine's Day

  ). 

but to the larger point, there weren't a ton of things that put pressure on parents to show up for during the school day. But maybe 25 years ago the norm in SOMA was two parents working outside the home. These days, between stay at home and work at home, a lot of parents might feel it's mandatory to get over to school for activities during the day.

I think there are more stay home moms around these days from what I see in my neighborhood, though it is hard to know how many are remote working. If they truly are single income families I have no idea how these young folks can afford to live here.

Although I am griping about it, I also did some stuff at Clinton and it was fun. I remember quite fondly reading to my kid's first or second grade class. 

My mum volunteered in the school canteen, which was set up as a cafe servers window - you placed your order (and cash in an envelope) early each morning and collected your meal at lunchtime.  
Mums made the sandwiches etc, and also cleaned up. The canteen was a fundraising activity for the PTA.  

We ate around the sports field, or on benches scattered around the  green spaces in the school.  You couldn’t leave school at all without a permission slip and adult companion.  
(550 pupils total in the school, elementary + middle + high)

When we started learning about WW2, there was a Holocaust Museum maybe 15mins walk away.  My mum was a longtime volunteer there.  School (a Methodist school) would take us there before ANZAC Day, or Remembrance Day to learn more.

HatsOff said:

I think there are more stay home moms around these days from what I see in my neighborhood, though it is hard to know how many are remote working. If they truly are single income families I have no idea how these young folks can afford to live here.

Although I am griping about it, I also did some stuff at Clinton and it was fun. I remember quite fondly reading to my kid's first or second grade class. 

It was mostly stay at home moms when we moved here 40+ years ago.  

joan_crystal said:

It was mostly stay at home moms when we moved here 40+ years ago.  

there may be hyperlocal differences in this. In my part of town when my kid was little I knew not one single stay at home mom. Now I believe there are at least a few on my street (Though I don't know for sure).

HatsOff said:

there may be hyperlocal differences in this. In my part of town when my kid was little I knew not one single stay at home mom. Now I believe there are at least a few on my street (Though I don't know for sure).

When was that? The trend shifted over time.

My kid was at Clinton in the early 2000s. 

joan_crystal said:

When was that? The trend shifted over time.

For many years I've worked out of my house, mostly part time. I had time to do school things when parents were sought for them but I never insinuated myself into school stuff.  We were not pushy complaining parents though we did not have to be because luckily both kids did well in school.  To me the trips and in-school programs were like a second childhood.

HatsOff said:

Mine was at Tuscan in the mid 1980s.   Demographics changed considerably in 15 -20 years.