Nothing the OP has said indicated they wanted revenge. Just an MOLer discussing a problem they were having with friends (us)...zombie_zoinks said:
Well I guess the revenge is playing out their situation on a web bulletin board without their knowledge or consent.
hope4u said:
before my husband and I got married we had a very rough spot and almost separated. A good friend and her husband came for a visit and spent time with us. I felt so dark and they added some lightness. A couple of years ago the same friend and her husband went through a very tough time - I wondered and sometimes felt they should separate. My husband and I went to visit them, spent time with them, and they thanked us, imagining no one would want to be around when they were so unhappy. I reminded them they picked me up years ago. We are all very close now - we always were but now it feels like family. I guess the difference with the OP is that we were all very honest and open (though of course I am sure there was some things kept private). But for a good friend or family member I would not resent being there for them. Having so many houseguests, however, would make me feel overwhelmed.
kibbegirl said:
Woot said:
greenetree said:
I'm not saying that Kmk's family should have to put up with this or are evil if they don't. But I do think that those of you who are being really harsh & judgmental may be a bit over the top. Chances are that this couple just can't see it or truly doesn't know what to do.
Few things will screw up your head & judgment like a marriage falling apart. I would put this squarely in the, "if you haven't been there...." category.
It is possible to be compassionate and aggravated at the same time.
We'll said.
True but why do they have to give up a slice of their happiness to accommodate them? They are their friends, not their therapists. As friends, you can only do so much to smooth over the situation. Unless I'm reading the OP wrong, it sounds like a tense environment for all involved.
susan1014 said:
What mammabear said. (we're agreeing again...this might get dangerous ;-) )
susan1014 said:
What mammabear said. (we're agreeing again...this might get dangerous ;-) )
I have two thoughts as I read more of this thread...
One is that (in my personal ethics) once you've invited someone as a houseguest for a certain period of time, you've given the gift and shouldn't take it back unless their behavior as guests goes into the end-of-friendship zone (stealing the silver or hurting pets or children!). Maybe you don't invite them back again, but you stick out the commitment that you made when you offered hospitality.
Second, for myself, if I were finding that my summer had too little time for peace or reflection, I might consider a smaller rental the next season, giving me a good excuse to reduce or eliminate the guest load. But others are more natural hosts than I am, so your miles may vary.
Indeed.greenetree said:
KMK - I think that I see part of the problem. You did not rent a vacation house; you opened a hotel.
kmk said:
I don't mind guests, I support those I love, I remain respectful of other's privacy and I WILL NEVER allow myself to be dragged into someone else's private family drama.
I give advice when asked and then I step away. This doesn't mean that I don't shake my head in disbelief or sometimes chafe at my circumstances, but for the good of my own family I need to emotionally disengage from some situations and move on.
PeggyC said:
Being friends isn't about convenience. It's about taking the bad with the good. (I'm NOT suggesting this is what KMK's doing, which is an unusual situation and seems to have worked out. But it does imply that there will be good times as well as bad.) Conversely, it shouldn't make people afraid to be around their friends when they can't successfully paste on a smiley face.
Stuff happens. Real friends understand. Acquaintances ask them to go home. Relationships are three-dimensional, and it isn't always going to be pretty. I think that's OK.
But that isn't what seems to be going on.ParticleMan said:
I imagine being around friends give the couple a respite from their own difficulties rather than stewing in them all the time.
This seems to go beyond being there for a couple who are just bummed out and needing support, this entails everyone else now being the target of the anger.kmk said:
Bad News: pretty hurtful "zingers" are being thrown around during the day now. Strange thing is they are directed to everyone but each other.
The couple is holding it together in such a way as to appear at they are at peace but you can tell the emotions are simmering underneath when their snarky, judgmental comments - about everything and everybody else - begin to fly.
This seems to go beyond being there for a couple who are just bummed out and needing support, this entails everyone else now being the target of the anger.kmk said:
Bad News: pretty hurtful "zingers" are being thrown around during the day now. Strange thing is they are directed to everyone but each other.
The couple is holding it together in such a way as to appear at they are at peace but you can tell the emotions are simmering underneath when their snarky, judgmental comments - about everything and everybody else - begin to fly.
PeggyC said:
Being friends isn't about convenience. It's about taking the bad with the good. (I'm NOT suggesting this is what KMK's doing, which is an unusual situation and seems to have worked out. But it does imply that there will be good times as well as bad.) Conversely, it shouldn't make people afraid to be around their friends when they can't successfully paste on a smiley face.
Stuff happens. Real friends understand. Acquaintances ask them to go home. Relationships are three-dimensional, and it isn't always going to be pretty. I think that's OK.
bella said:
I'm sorry, but KMK's family should be more important than her friends. If this is detrimental to her family, the warring couple gets asked to leave. It's not that she shouldn't be a good friend, it's that it's more important for her to be a good parent.
susan1014 said:
bella said:
I'm sorry, but KMK's family should be more important than her friends. If this is detrimental to her family, the warring couple gets asked to leave. It's not that she shouldn't be a good friend, it's that it's more important for her to be a good parent.
Being a good parent could mean using this (if the kids have noticed) as a teaching moment -- either for how we stick by friends by thick and thin, or in how we push away the problems of others so that they don't disturb our peace.
I'm not saying that there would never be a case for sending away an invited guest (see my earlier posting), but I am saying that good parenting means a heck of a lot more than protecting kids from things.
KMK, note that I'm aiming this comment at the abstract conversation, rather than at your specifics. Hoping that your situation has calmed down or ended!
PeggyC said:
By now, they probably have done just that. But we will have to agree to disagree about "not being around 'good' couples." The exception I make in this case is that they started taking zingers at other people. I think I might have simply called them on THAT behavior, which is bizarre, in private. But I simply can't imagine how unhappy they must have been.
When I was getting divorced I was in a vacuum. My ex was so controlling that we never really had any friends because I was so embarrassed by some of his behavior and reluctant to expose anyone else to it (it made me look like a damn fool for hanging in there that long, frankly). It was the loneliest time of my life, and it made me second-guess every thought I had because he was jumping all over everything I said and did. What I wouldn't have given for friends I could just spend time with to detox. But he had taken that away.
Toxic marriages can be terribly isolating, and I hate to see that enforced by other people because it makes them uncomfortable. You do need to know when to draw lines for your own good, but I guess this topic touched a bit of a nerve for me.
bella said:
susan1014 said:
bella said:
I'm sorry, but KMK's family should be more important than her friends. If this is detrimental to her family, the warring couple gets asked to leave. It's not that she shouldn't be a good friend, it's that it's more important for her to be a good parent.
Being a good parent could mean using this (if the kids have noticed) as a teaching moment -- either for how we stick by friends by thick and thin, or in how we push away the problems of others so that they don't disturb our peace.
I'm not saying that there would never be a case for sending away an invited guest (see my earlier posting), but I am saying that good parenting means a heck of a lot more than protecting kids from things.
KMK, note that I'm aiming this comment at the abstract conversation, rather than at your specifics. Hoping that your situation has calmed down or ended!
Or how to recognise a toxic friend who has no regard for the others in the house?
Or to realize that friendships sometimes come to an end because it has become detrimental to one party?
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