Houseguests marriage is dissolving

Hmm, maybe a household "catastrophe" of another kind would distract her... it could easily be arranged!

Yep, sewer line broken, no toilet use, oh the possibilities! Keep us posted and good luck

A friend of mine with bi-polar disorder liked to talk to me for hours without taking a breath. I told her that she needed to learn self-control or no one would take to her and it begins with taking turns at conversation. I told her to use her watch as a stopwatch, and she had one minute to talk to me, and then it was my turn. I would respond, and then I could change the subject. I said that if she wasn't able to master this interaction, she would not find that people were nice to her.

So kmt I would tell her that for this: for your own good I am limiting the amount of time we discuss your soon-to-be ex. He is not worthy of your time or mine. This beach house, and this vacation is a good time for you to practice this emotional self-control, or it will take longer for you to get over this and be happy. Let's shoo him out of your life to make room for others who are fun and more deserving of you.

And then I would be strict. I would institute a certain time of day in which you give her 3 minutes to let off steam about him, and then it's over. If she needs to stew, she can take a walk, etc.

I would set the parameters ahead of her trip or at the beginning, and give her some options, does she want to bitch-and-moan at 2 pm or at 7 pm, etc.

You really will be doing her a favor.

@lisat, I wish I could cut and paste my last text discussion with her here. It is precisely what you said. (I had literally lost my voice and was thrilled to limit our conversation to short text bursts!)

I am going to forewarn my family that I will not tolerate negative sentiments, self-pity, sympathy fishing, and discussions of what life was like "a year ago" from my SIL.

Everyone needs to be on board so that we can prevent her from unleashing her self-defeating stream of negativity.

Oops, cross post, deleted lol

Holy crap... I was wondering why this thread got revived, and the only worse situation for you would have been if both of them were coming back with their relationship still in the toilet. You need ground rules. Now.

kmk said:

.... (Why she calls ME is a mystery. I have got to be the least "comforting" family member she has!) Yet, my matter-of-fact comments about what she should be doing (HELLO - hire a lawyer!) seem to be landing on deaf ears.
Recently, rather then engage her, I sent her the whole eloquent Sheryl Sandberg essay about losing her husband and how after 90 days she was "choosing life". It made no impact what so ever.
My SIL is coming to visit me at the beach again in a matter of weeks, but without her (I imagine )soon-to-be ex-husband this time. She has already bemoaned to me - in no uncertain terms - how difficult it will be to stay in our beach house because of the memories it will create.
WTF! Good lord, give me strength....
Other than to my own children, I confess that I am the most inadequate care-giver and "soother of souls" on this planet. Please, just let me just enjoy my summer get-away in peace and quiet without unnecessary drama...

No mystery here. She calls you because you engage her. I'm sure the others have stopped taking her calls because they have become too frequent / too overwhelming. She doesn't want advice or books that will give her insight that will help her. She wants you and others to join her Pity Party.

She needs therapy and perhaps some type of grief counseling. She'll get neither at the summer house.

You do have every right, in your home, on your vacation to use your Sarah Silverman voice and tell her to SHUT THE F*CK UP.

kmk said:

She has already bemoaned to me - in no uncertain terms - how difficult it will be to stay in our beach house because of the memories it will create.

She's already given you your out.

K: We love having you, but we completely understand that it would be too difficult for you to come this year since it would bring up too many painful memories of ___.

S: Oh, but I have to come, I would miss you and the kids.

K: We'll miss you too, but we know it would be too selfish of us to expect you to come back to a place that holds so many painful memories so soon, we can't ask that of you.

S: But I really want to...

K: No, we really can't put you through that, it just wouldn't be fair to you.

S: But I...

K: I'm sorry, the dog just threw up on the carpet (or other immediate emergency) I really have to go, it's been lovely talking to you though.

(avoids phone calls until after vacation is over)

spontaneous said:

kmk said:

She has already bemoaned to me - in no uncertain terms - how difficult it will be to stay in our beach house because of the memories it will create.

She's already given you your out.
K: We love having you, but we completely understand that it would be too difficult for you to come this year since it would bring up too many painful memories of ___.
S: Oh, but I have to come, I would miss you and the kids.
K: We'll miss you too, but we know it would be too selfish of us to expect you to come back to a place that holds so many painful memories so soon, we can't ask that of you.
S: But I really want to...
K: No, we really can't put you through that, it just wouldn't be fair to you.
S: But I...
K: I'm sorry, the dog just threw up on the carpet (or other immediate emergency) I really have to go, it's been lovely talking to you though.
(avoids phone calls until after vacation is over)

^^This^^

Why would anyone be crazy enough to even consider letting her come stay in the place that will make her wallow even more? Learning to set boundaries can also be about saying "no" to the visit, period.

But if you can't find the nerve to tell her it's a terrible idea and she can't come this year, then I like the idea of establishing a schedule or at least a time limit for the wallowing. You could simply pull out a stopwatch every time she brings it up, give her five minutes, then tell her "time's up!" Or remind her that even professional therapy sessions are one hour a week, maybe two. Not 24/7.

After a year of this why can you not separate and say that you have made a decision to not entertain or have guests this summer? Seems like you need to make a break as she is unable to do the moving ahead. Why would you hang on? Similar to her hanging on to a dead relationship...move on...she will eventually

You need some tough love too...If you do allow her to come, don't feed into it. If she starts talking about her husband, immediately change the subject or walk out of the room. Don't answer her texts! Or just say, "sorry" and that's it! No more! She talks to you because you listen. I am sure everyone else is fed up with it too. You have allowed her to come to you with her wallowing self-pity. Listen, I know what it's like to feel bad about a loss--my husband passed away three years ago, but I didn't torture my family for months on end

icdart said:
After a year of this why can you not separate and say that you have made a decision to not entertain or have guests this summer? Seems like you need to make a break as she is unable to do the moving ahead. Why would you hang on? Similar to her hanging on to a dead relationship...move on...she will eventually

Maybe because she's part of her family and she's not going to disappear from their lives anytime soon.

I definitely agree to setting serious limits or even getting out of this summer vacation arrangement altogether, but I understand the need to not permanently dissolve the relationship.

I'm with @spontaneous and @marylago on this, too. Your summer house isn't in an "easy" location to create space (i.e. get her a hotel for the night, send her into the city for a day, get her quickly to an airport if she completely melts down).....And for her to "invite" an eight-year-old along without first asking you is both entitled and intrusive. [What are you going to do on a rainy day with a lone 8-year-old?] She probably keeps calling/texting you because you're the only person who's still picking up the phone and responding to the texts. She's not your kid. It's not your job. You cherish your time at the summer house -- she ruined it for you last year; why let her do it again?

Geez. Do you stay at the beach house all summer, or are you just going to be there a week or so and she is joining you? Just tell her that you've covered absolutely everything already in your many conversations with her, and for your mental health and hers, the subject needs to be dropped. Instead of reliving it constantly in the retelling, she should buy a journal for those thoughts that must be expressed. You might even gift her with one, along with this speech, because it is important for everyone at the beach house to live each day in a positive manner. May the force be with you

Seems to me that having her there and setting time boundaries is going to cause a lot of work, tension and hurt feelings. That is going to be awfully close quarters to have to live with. As some one else mentioned here, at least a therapy session is only 45 min (or so). Do you really want that responsibility and that interaction?

kmk said: "She has already bemoaned to me - in no uncertain terms - how difficult it will be to stay in our beach house because of the memories it will create."

I agree with spontaneous, that this can be your starting point in persuading (or instructing) her not to visit you this summer. Your vacation at your vacation house should be a chance to relax and enjoy your family, and if she's not welcome this year, so be it. Failing that, I like lisat's stopwatch option.

Or in combination: I absolutely understand that you would rather spend your vacation elsewhere this year.... But if you do prefer to come to our place, please be forewarned that the ground rules will be as follows....

Good luck, and happy vacation!

You could invite someone else to stay at your beach house, so that there just wouldn't be room. Someone who is pleasant and helpful, and wouldn't complain. I, for example, happen to be free around that time...

+1 lizzie : )

(dup)

lizziecat said:
You could invite someone else to stay at your beach house, so that there just wouldn't be room. Someone who is pleasant and helpful, and wouldn't complain. I, for example, happen to be free around that time...

Excellent thought.

KMK, I'm sure you know lots of people who would be far more pleasant company! It's your vacation, and your family's vacation. Why be a martyr to relatives who will make it so stressful?

For what it is worth, by allowing this person to destroy your family vacation you are simply indulging her. It is time for you to think first, second and third about your own family and stop the indulgence. You are not doing her any good by allowing this situation to persist.

I have friends who have gone off the deep end when their 20+ years of marriage have come to a painful end. It can be maddening when they do not listen to common sense advice and positive suggestions. You mentioned she has a counselor in theory...my suggestion to you is to tell her with kindness to concentrate on her therapy sessions where she can let it all hang out, and that you cannot help her and will not discuss these matters any longer as they make you feel very uncomfortable hearing from her. If she starts up again, repeat as necessary.

It sounds like her visiting is already irreversible? Especially if she is traveling from abroad and bringing a grandson. You don't mention anything about what I think is the mother of all complications: this is your sister-in-law, so what do the other in-laws think about all of this? If it is a family house and you traditionally entertain the family, it is very difficult to get out of it. As an in-law, you risk your other family relationships if you are take a hard line and the rest of the family doesn't. What does the rest of the family think

OK, I'm confused now. I thought this woman was the relative, not the husband she's divorcing. Did I get that mixed up?

kmk said:
Hello all, the season of house guests is once again upon us. Oh joy....
I should "fess up " a wee bit and confess that my less-than-perfect house guests last summer were, indeed, family members. They travelled from overseas to see us and then melted down before our eyes.

Here we are one year later. They have been separated for 10 months and one half of the couple has made the painful decision to dissolve their 25+ year marriage.
That said, the "related" half of the couple is returning to our summer place in a matter of weeks. She is still in deep, deep, deep mourning over the relationship. So much so that every single phone call or email is preceded by the time stamp of "it has been x months since I last spoke to my husband" or "x months ago my husband threw away our marriage". In theory, she has a counselor and she has close female friends to confide in. She chooses, instead, to call me.
At what point am I allowed to say "SHUT THE F*CK UP!"?
I know, I know, everyone goes at their own speed, but seriously, this gal is NOT moving ahead in any way, shape or form. I know it was traumatic for her (trust me - I heard everything) but she has a very rich, busy , well-provided for life.
When am I - a married-in family member - allowed to give her a virtual "slap" into reality?! I am so sick of hearing her rehash every phrase, every thought, every clue, every glance .... (Why she calls ME is a mystery. I have got to be the least "comforting" family member she has!) Yet, my matter-of-fact comments about what she should be doing (HELLO - hire a lawyer!) seem to be landing on deaf ears.
Recently, rather then engage her, I sent her the whole eloquent Sheryl Sandberg essay about losing her husband and how after 90 days she was "choosing life". It made no impact what so ever.
My SIL is coming to visit me at the beach again in a matter of weeks, but without her (I imagine )soon-to-be ex-husband this time. She has already bemoaned to me - in no uncertain terms - how difficult it will be to stay in our beach house because of the memories it will create.
WTF! Good lord, give me strength....
Other than to my own children, I confess that I am the most inadequate care-giver and "soother of souls" on this planet. Please, just let me just enjoy my summer get-away in peace and quiet without unnecessary drama...

Ah, now I understand. Had to go back and read it again. The woman is related to KMK's husband, and therefore is KMK's in-law.

Still, I don't get why it's OK for people to just descend on your beach house, KMK, without an invitation and carrying enough emotional baggage for a six-month cruise.

Enough. Protect yourself, and that means saying "NO" to the visit, unless she is already on the plane.

What does your husband/her brother say about all this? Maybe he needs to set the boundaries or tell her not to come?

And I also think the OP needs to stop taking the calls from the sister-in-law or cut them off if the talk goes to the relationship.

carolanne said:
What does your husband/her brother say about all this? Maybe he needs to set the boundaries or tell her not to come?

Agree.

If she does come, you might want to rehearse some conversational comebacks in your mind so she doesn't get the bit between her teeth and drag everyone down. If she starts about how unhappy she is, you could say, "I know, and that's why being here is so great, because you can distract yourself and not dwell on it the whole time." If she persists, you can say, "I think you will feel better sooner if you try not to keep hashing it over verbally." If she keeps going after that, you could try to tactfully say, "This is my vacation time, too, and while I know you're in a lot of pain, I would like us to try to have a good time together so you can begin to heal, and that means not talking about it so much."

And if she still persists, you can say..."you know, I need to peel 5 pounds of potatoes for dinner, so lets go in and get started." (or 30 ears of corn to shuck, or whatever best fits your needs!) Perhaps the need to work for her audience will help get her over it.

For me, telling my spouse to drive away a relative is not an option, but no need to be too good an audience. An 8 year old in the room does give a perfect excuse to shut her up, and just bring out the board games or start building another sand castle.

Personally, if it is too late to just not be at the beach house that week, or to otherwise change the game, I'd err on the side of buying/bringing a bunch of sand toys and board games and focusing on the 8 year old, expecting his grandmother to put on a game face and join in.

And you should set up an outlet for venting...not your husband, since it is his sister, but friends who will take you calls (or take you out for a drink without any family, if they are at the shore) so that you can get away and bitch a bit in a supportive environment.