Caretaking 102 - The Aftermath

Turns were above Wyoming in SO, Maplewood, and Millburn.  He selected intersections where foliage prevented clear line of sight, intersections where the positioning of the streets meant you were turning into a street that was literally behind you (I am probably describing that poorly), intersections where I had the stop sign but curves in the road made it extremely difficult to see cars coming on the busy street I was turning into, intersections with steep hills turning from uphill to downhill and vice versa ...  In short, the sort of route a person might choose if they were testing a car or driver's capabilities.  Teacher was my son and this is very typical of his approach to things.  He made no negative comments, even when the car went into a ditch to avoid a pedestrian standing in the middle of the street I was turning into, who I could not see as I went into the turn.  He was too busy looking at his cell phone to plot the most difficult course possible.  I would have been much more comfortable if I thought he was watching the road along with me.


Joan, you made me think about my adored brother! I was his 6 years younger kid sister when he returned from Germany after the war and resumed civilian life.

Not everyone in Brooklyn owned cars back then, but my dashing brother soon acquired this status symbol.

So, I pleaded with  him to teach me to drive -- a skill of no  useful purpose or necessity for me at the time.

In short order, my adored brother told me I would never learn to drive! The challenges of congested Brooklyn Streets and the parking debacle were much too daunting for me, he announced!

I had to prove him wrong. I went to a driver instruction school and took lessons. In a 1950 Studebaker, with dual controls, my instructor worked with me respectfully, never raised his voice. I do believe I fell in love with him!

One of my happiest memories was passing my driving test (on city streets on a busy Saturday morning) on first try!


Driving in Brooklyn is no easy feat. I refused to do it when we lived there. Thank goodness for public transportation. Not a very convenient option in SOMA, though. 

Joan, don't feel discouraged. You had one bad experience, but that isn't the sum total of your learning, and you will have better days. Every driver has bad days.


Your son is not a good teacher for you.  Get yourself a professional instructor.  

To learn to drive you need practice, practice, practice.  You need to learn about your car.  This is not something that you cognitively learn, but you learn it from doing it.  How fast is too fast on a turn? too slow?   how much clearance do you need on a blind turn.  When you drive you are making judgments.  You need practice and a good teacher.

Teaching is an art.


I've followed this blog occasionally but haven't had need of advice until now.  My MIL lives in South Carolina and one of her daughters lives with her.  She survives on social security and lives on some land given to her by her (deceased) brother.  She had hip replacement surgery a few years ago but never did the work to recover and is now pretty much bedridden and incapable of caring for herself.  Daughter needs to work but MIL can't be home alone as she can't use toilet etc.  She's also started being abusive to her caretaker daughter.  Under the best of circumstances she's prone to a "woe is me" view of life.

I have no idea what's available medicare/medicaid to help someone like her stay in her home or when she gets to the point (which I think is going to be sooner rather than later) that she needs to go to a nursing home.

Husband is tasked with finding out state of her finances which are no doubt dire - we already send her some money monthly and can't send anymore with a kid in college.

Advice or info appreciated.


Start by contacting her states office on aging.  Medicare/Medicaid rules vary by state. Also find out if she was married to a veteran.  Veterans benefits can pay for aides or towards assisted living.


Yes to the first part of mod's statement.  Not necessarily to the second.  A check of the VA's website can give you more information as to benefit eligibility.  


Thanks mod and joan - no vet benefits unfortunately.


Joan, my father 'taught' me to drive. We practiced in an abandonned army base near where we lived.  The first time he suggested that i drive us all the way home, i made it past the high school and the cemetary, turned into our quiet street and drove straight into a telephone pole. Instead of the brake, i then pressed down on rhe accelerator.

No physical injuries to person but--

No professional teacher. And i never did learn to parallel park unless there are 3 spaces.  

Amazes me that i ever learned to drive in NJ once we moved here. Trust me, if i can, you can!! Hood luck!

joan_crystal said:

Turns were above Wyoming in SO, Maplewood, and Millburn.  He selected intersections where foliage prevented clear line of sight, intersections where the positioning of the streets meant you were turning into a street that was literally behind you (I am probably describing that poorly), intersections where I had the stop sign but curves in the road made it extremely difficult to see cars coming on the busy street I was turning into, intersections with steep hills turning from uphill to downhill and vice versa ...  In short, the sort of route a person might choose if they were testing a car or driver's capabilities.  Teacher was my son and this is very typical of his approach to things.  He made no negative comments, even when the car went into a ditch to avoid a pedestrian standing in the middle of the street I was turning into, who I could not see as I went into the turn.  He was too busy looking at his cell phone to plot the most difficult course possible.  I would have been much more comfortable if I thought he was watching the road along with me.

Today's lesson went well.  Substitute driving teacher focused on catching Pokemon critters while I focused on driving to the car wash, the supermarket, and the diner.  I even parallel parked the car on South Pierson. Speed was between 20 and 30 mph the whole way (except on the speed humps, Maplewood Avenue, inside the car wash, and  in the supermarket parking lot) with the 30 mph on 35 mph roads.  Driving instructor gave me an A while substitute driving instructor gave me a B.  He admitted that he is a harder marker and doesn't give out As lightly.  Streets were those I am more apt to take regularly: Tuscan, Valley, Baker, Maplewood Avenue, Lenox, Ridgewood, Glen, Wyoming, Millburn Avenue, S. Pierson, and various streets in South Mountain section of Millburn.  I didn't think I would be albe to maneuver in the car wash but I made it! 


My 16yr old niece got her learners permit two weeks ago, Joan. It's very hard to talk her down from wanting to drive in all kinds of places she couldn't possibly handle standing on the side of the road let alone being in charge of a vehicle in the middle of the road!

Seems to me you're doing exceptionally well, especially if your substitute teacher can keep focused on his game and not on driving techniques, the road and upcoming hazards.  cheese Perhaps one could enquire exactly what his benchmarks are based on? (And, out of curiosity, how many others has he taught?) A good trainer always tells you what your going to learn in a particular lesson, and how you're going to achieve it. cheesecheese


joan_crystal said:

Today's lesson went well.  Substitute driving teacher focused on catching Pokemon critters while I focused on driving to the car wash, the supermarket, and the diner.  I even parallel parked the car on South Pierson. Speed was between 20 and 30 mph the whole way (except on the speed humps, Maplewood Avenue, inside the car wash, and  in the supermarket parking lot) with the 30 mph on 35 mph roads.  Driving instructor gave me an A while substitute driving instructor gave me a B.  He admitted that he is a harder marker and doesn't give out As lightly.  Streets were those I am more apt to take regularly: Tuscan, Valley, Baker, Maplewood Avenue, Lenox, Ridgewood, Glen, Wyoming, Millburn Avenue, S. Pierson, and various streets in South Mountain section of Millburn.  I didn't think I would be albe to maneuver in the car wash but I made it! 

Cheers! I realized after reading all if this how much you have achieved. It was easier in a small town with no traffic. And i could have used help other than parent. As JoAnne says, a good teacher says what the goal is.  Seems to me you are doing well if no one in car is bugging you while you drive!


Granted, a lot of family members are not the best choice for driving instructors, but my Dad was terrific.  grin 


Lesson of the day:  Recognize that I am no good at problem solving at night.  Last night as I prepared to go to sleep, I felt warmer than usual.  Checking the thermostat that controls the AC, I discovered the temperature reading had jumped three degrees over what the setting called for and the display was reading low battery.  Thinking WWBD (What would Bernie do?) I read the manual, discovered how to open the unit, replaced the batteries and went to bed.  The room got hotter, the low battery reading was still in the display.  It was now two hours later.  I changed the batteries again - three times - still the AC was off.  Convinced I had a broken thermostat, I brought up a fan from the basement.  Plugged it in. Placed it a few feet from my feet and tried to sleep.  Plan was to call someone in the morning to replace the unit.  At 5:30 am, when I was thinking much more clearly, I did some research on-line, discovered that there was a reset button inside the unit that had to be pressed after the batteries were changed, located and pressed the button and the unit seems to be functioning again.

Conclusion:  Unless the house is burning to the ground, wait until the morning to fix things. grin

Real Lesson of the day:  Just because you haven't done something before, just because you have always relied on someone else to do something, doesn't mean you can't do it now if you try.


Yeah, Joan!  That was an easy mistake to make, but you figured it out.  Good job.


actually I suspect the lesson for most of us is: try not go learning new things when it's bedtime!


Impressed by your problem solving abilities - you found the manual AND batteries AND the fan!  That late at night I wouldn't have even had the mental energy to find the manual.


I keep the manual on top of the thermostat simply because all of these problems seem to occur in the middle of the night.  The batteries are kept in a dedicated place because they are always needed at the exact moment you are looking for them.  The fan was the wild card.  I found it by accident a few weeks ago.  I didn't even know if it still worked since it hasn't been used in years.  House is still cooling off but much more slowly than I would like.  I need to check and make sure everything else is working properly.  I still may need to call a professional to check things out.


Air conditioners need servicing from time to time, just like heating systems. It might be smart to invest in a "tune-up." Could be it needs fresh coolant.

Good for you for resolving the issue so quickly and efficiently. You're a good trouble shooter. Wish you had been here the day our house alarm set itself off when Jim was at work. I had to call the previous owners to get the code to shut the damn thing off, because we never use it. The noise was shattering and attracted the neighbors to inquire. *sigh*


I had a tune up from the AC company about two months ago and the technician said everything was fine.  Now it clearly is not.  I have a call into them and am expecting a call back.  Thermostat is working bur AC clearly is not.  House is hotter now than it was this morning and the system has been running all day.  Coolent could be the problem.  I have had that changed in the past.


You don't change coolant but you may need some added.


I stand corrected.  Term used by the technician was charged not changed.  My type-o.


Is your AC working okay today?  We usually don't bother turning ours on during the day but it is incredibly muggy.


on muggy days we change our cycle to 'dry' not cool; not all models can do that, and some might do it automatically. 


EBennett said:

Is your AC working okay today?  We usually don't bother turning ours on during the day but it is incredibly muggy.

It's working just fine now.  Thanks for asking.


Just when I thought everything was settled with the estate, I am now told that I cannot close my husband's accounts at the bank unless I open an estate account. If I hadn't gone to the bank today for an update, I still wouldn't know this since they had not reached out to me with the information. Appointment to set up the estate account has been made for next week. We shall see what other problems if any arise at that time. This seems to be a never ending process and mine is supposed to have been a relatively simple one.


That sounds kind of crazy. Did you ask to speak to a manager? After all you went through over this not too long ago, you would think they might spare you this extra b.s.


for me of late, b.s. is bureaucratic snafu-- but the other definition works for me too


The bank branch manager is the one who told me I had to do this. It has something to do with the wording of paperwork the bank received from the surrogates court. My main concern is that the bank waited until now to tell me that the estate account was needed.



joan_crystal said:

The bank branch manager is the one who told me I had to do this. It has something to do with the wording of paperwork the bank received from the surrogates court. My main concern is that the bank waited until now to tell me that the estate account was needed.

Absolutely. I could swear at some point not too long ago they were saying you totally didn't need one at all. Oh, well. Bureaucratic snafu indeed.


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