Caretaking 102 - The Aftermath

joanne said:

YOU GOT YOUR DRIVERS LICENCE!  "> Woohoo! (I'm assuming this is different from the learners stage, because here you need to get a learners permit and do a couple of hundred hours driving before you go for your test) 

The rules here aren't nearly that stringent, especially for adults. But I suspect that Joan has quite a few hours to her credit at this point.

I've had the license for over thirty years, kept it up to date, never used it except for ID.  After that length of time, I really need to relearn how to "become one with the car" so I can get it to go where I want it to, when I want it to.  Focus has been more on steering, reflex, using the brake/gas appropriately, building overall confidence, reversing, and parking.  Rules of the road haven't changed much. 

I just got off the phone with motor vehicles.  I do have to go down in person but all I need is a copy of the short form and letters of testamentary from the Surrogate's Court, my driver license, and an insurance card in my name.  I have the documents from the Surrogate's Court and the insurance card is being e-mailed to me now with a hard copy being sent by mail.  The process was much easier than I expected. Now I just have to find a sane time to go to motor vehicles to complete the process. 

Thank you to everyone who helped by providing information and by offering emotional support. Dealing with all these little details regarding the estate is highly emotional but you all make it so much easier.  THANK YOU!!!!

The general wisdom is that the best time to go to the DMV is middle of the week (Tuesday-Thursday), middle of the month, and "middle" of the day (but BEFORE 11 or after 1).

Does anyone know if there is a way to find wait times for the offices?   They post wait times for vehicle inspection stations.

Good luck!

Joan, I went to MVC a couple of weeks after Mike died. I found them so helpful and compassionate. Even when I didn't fill out part of the form correctly (and almost broke into tears), they just moved me over to the side and told me to come to the desk when I was done. It took very little time. 

As far as receiving mail to Bernie? I got a letter from Atlantic Health at least two years after Mike died at Overlook (an Atlantic Health hospital) asking for his signature to contest denial of benefits. I was so angry. How could they not even look at the record. I felt really bad for the woman I called, but she should have looked at the file before she sent the letter. 

Agree on the mail from hospitals, such as the cancer survivor event invitation I mentioned earlier in this thread.  I expect there will still be calls from doctors' offices reminding him of appointments and other unnecessary seeming communication to deal with.  It is fun explaining to car dealerships why he won't be in looking for a new car; but, other more personal issues can be upsetting.

joan_crystal said:


 It is fun explaining to car dealerships why he won't be in looking for a new car; 

This made me laugh.  Joan, I'm sorry I've left Maplewood and never got to meet you!  

Joan, I don't know how to say this without sounding patronizing, but you are doing so well with all of this.  I really admire your strength to deal with all of it.  

Transferring my mom's car to me was a pain because we had disposed of everything else in the estate planning/nursing home funding plans, so there was no need to probate a will.  Finally figured it out with the help of mom's lawyer for the last 45 years.  

One of my biggest triggers was from the funeral home and was meant to be a kindness.  Just as I was beginning to get on with my life and not thinking of mom every hour of every day, I got a "memory book" type thing mailed to me from the funeral home.  It was donated by businesses in my hometown.  So, not only did it make me miss my mom, it made me miss my hometown which I will have much less reason and opportunity to visit now that mom is gone.  I had just put away the guest book etc that we got at the funeral, so this just went directly into the trash.  Not really a big deal in hind sight, but that day it turned me into a sobbing mess.

Expressions of kindness lead me to tears much more rapidly than any other triggers I have had and continue to encounter.  I have found that sometimes those tears can be healing if we let them.

not all tears are bad... 

Very true, tears can be a good thing.  It just stunk to be crying on a day that had been going so well before that.  

Actually my mom was the non crying sort of the most part.  I remember once on a particularly difficult wedding anniversary telling her it was ok to cry.  Her response, "I don't want to cry damnit!  All crying does is hurt my eyes and give me a headache".  What can I say, she had a huge heart and deep feelings, but grew a up as German Catholic Midwestern daughter of a subsistence farmer during the depression.  

Anyway, don't mean to post too much on your blog.  

This blog belongs to everyone who has gone through or is going through this.  Please feel free to share.

This blog has turned into a little bit of the old Greenetree blog about Greenemom... A place of safety for people going through very rough times.

Found the original copy of the title to the car in a file drawer filled with his time sheets and travel receipts from the 1990s.  If I hadn't been going through the material in this drawer for shredding, I never would have found it.  Please, put your important papers, clearly labeled (title was in a folder with a bunch of automobile repair receipts and could easily have been tossed) in a logical place and let the person who is most likely to have to locate this material in the future know where the material is located.

joan_crystal said:

Found the original copy of the title to the car in a file drawer filled with his time sheets and travel receipts from the 1990s.  If I hadn't been going through the material in this drawer for shredding, I never would have found it.  Please, put your important papers, clearly labeled (title was in a folder with a bunch of automobile repair receipts and could easily have been tossed) in a logical place and let the person who is most likely to have to locate this material in the future know where the material is located.

Hurray!  That's a good find, even if you had been reassured that you could get it transferred without it.

I recently made a similar change to my filing.  I used to have a folder for each car with EVERYTHING about that car - title, registration info, repair receipts.  Now I have the car titles (and just a few other significant car-related papers) all in one folder and the repair receipts, etc. in the original folders.  That car title folder along with a few other "very important" folders - tax returns, will copies, lists of accounts/contacts, etc. are all in a single 2-drawer file cabinet.  Other files are not so well organized, but at least I have 80-90% of the really important stuff in that one file cabinet.  (It's a project in progress.)

I'm actually trying to get rid of a lot of my paper files in favor of scanned documents on the computer.  Keeping too much paper can cause plenty of problems as you note, because it makes it hard to find the really important stuff.  I have a long way to go with getting rid of decades of accumulation, though.

FWIW at work we advise clients and families to set up a secure Cloud "safe deposit" space that designated people in the family can access. That would be PoA, Enduring Powers, Executors, trustees, etc.  In that drive, you keep e-copies of all precious and all important papers and records: birth/marriage/death; medical summaries; passports & visas; bank records (no passwords), investments, insurance; docs to establish provenance of art, jewellery or antiques, etc. 

Should there be a disaster or should something happen and you're away from home, you can still access vital information even though it would otherwise seem impossible. In cases where this needs to be notarised, it's possible to have a scanned authenification document with it, which can later be verified. 

The idea is to keep your hard copies up to date; and also keep the Cloud up to date.

(Our process is based on official advice from government emergency services)

If you use a cloud-based password manager, you could leave the master password for that in a secure location for next-of-kin. Some online services are beginning to set up ways to designate alternate people to have access under certain circumstances. The whole online accounts/passwords issue is very significant to planning for death or disability.  Most people as well as most online services have a lot of work to do in this area.

that's one possibility..

Part of the reason for our advice is the dispersal of families and prevalence of floods, fires, cyclones etc which mean quick evacuations with minimal planning. Plus the last few years there have been planes going missing, people getting sick on overseas trips and, of course, the rise in dementias that some people are able to cover well. So it's all part of 'plan for the crisis, now, while you can. It can hit, any time, anywhere' message. (But you said that)

We have awful weather, with flash flooding on top of torrential rain mixed with thunderstorms (never knew they could differentiate), and then King tides tonight. So it's hard to think.   check out the weather maps for east coast Australia

I just finished reading a novel, Britt-Marie Was Here, in which the main character sets out to make a new life for herself.  She is in her 60's and trying to make a bucket list.  She is very good at making lists; but, discovers she has been so busy living other's lives - parents, sibling, husband - that she has absolutely no idea of what she wants to do with her own life now that it is her's alone to live. 

This seems to be the stage at which I find myself now.  Things that I did over the years because Bernie wanted to do them no longer need doing. With what, if anything, do I want to replace them?  How does one go about constructing a bucket list when another was always there to construct one for them?

You've been so involved in helping people, but that's what makes you wonderful and if you weren't so involved in Bernie's life, you wouldn't have been such a good partner. 

Now comes the time that you can do whatever you want, or don't want, to do. Don't rush into it. Take time to figure out IF you want something different and if so, what that would be. If not, it's okay to just be alone or just maintain the status quo, too. You've got enough civic responsibility to keep you occupied. You just need to decide if you want to do more for yourself, or your family, or your community, and even if you want to stay. But you certainly don't have to decide that right away. Be patient. (Most people are not very good at that.)   

What Marylago said. Don't feel pressured to do anything, but examine the possibilities gently. You will figure it out if you let things come to you, but don't let it be a worry. You have had enough of that for awhile.   

Maybe there are some classes you could take in the community schools just for fun? If you find you want to explore more possibilities.

Got the lift recliner chair and it looks so comfortable! However, we have a problem: husband has great difficulty lifting himself up. Though the chair does provide the lift, he pushes so hard on the arms of the chair that the whole chair slides backward on our wood floor!

If anyone has a good solution I would appreciate hearing it. I thought of trying a rug underneath. Maybe a rubber door mat type. Have never had any luck using grippers on chair legs.

TIA

Maybe one of those vinyl bath/shower mats?

Try an indoor/outdoor area rug with a rubber backing.  I have seen them at Home Depot.  Other stores of that type could carry them as well.

I think a rubber-backed bath rug might be just the thing. And probably he will get the hang of getting up with a bit more control.

I think this is part of the PD and loss of particular muscle control. It's one of those motions that is probably more complicated than we realize. He is focusing on the wrong place. I would bring this up with his PT so they can work on building strength where he needs it - not arms but maybe stomach, thighs, or core? He can also practice this motion in PT. Does he also get OT?

I'm sure it is very frustrating for him. My FIL used to get so mad! It's a maddening disease.

How would OT work for him? He has a PT he really likes and she can extend his home visits as she sees the need.

Interesting comment re certain muscle loss -- also he has to think a bit before reacting to a movement.

 He is and has always been a very sweet tempered man and that hasn't changed.

Me, the other hand,  

can I just take a minute and say I LOATHE PARKINSONS. 

There thanks.

Here's a way to think about the therapies: pt helps you modify to the world. OT modifies the environment for your needs. Orthoptists modify illumination and illumination controls so you see what you need to, better. 

Thanks for the clarification, Joanne! I always thought of OT being about very focused practical skills versus general PT.