Caretaking 102 - The Aftermath

There is some number of days after surgery that a patient must survive in order for it to be considered a "success". I think it may be 30 or 45 days or something like that, so hospitals are perversely motivated to keep patients who are clearly failing alive until the cutoff or it hurts their statistics. Sadly, that means patients like Bernie who never fully recovered are considered a surgery success. It's really sad.

Hospitals CAN track patients, but they don't. Too much time for employees, too much money in postage or phone calls. So they go the callous way. I'm sorry you had to receive that "invitation," Joan. It is really their way of patting themselves on the back for thei supposed success rate, only they don't seem to care enough to find out the details of what they identify as survival.

When I have my act together, I share our experience with discharge shenanigans!

krnl said:

Indeed, your note stimulated a trigger point for me about hospitals, reminding me of the endless stream of mail I received selling products for newborns--this, after I left the hospital's maternity ward childless. 

OMG, that's inexcusable. So sorry.

How about a family doctor who signed the death certificate no more than 2 weeks later asking my mom how her deceased mom is doing?  (We switched doctors after that!)

Or the church that buried said grandmother sending her a request for donations a month later.  

Somehow this reminds me of my MIL asking me if I had a nice Father's Day three weeks after my Dad died. I said, "Did you know my father passed away last month?" And she said, "Oh, yes, I knew." I'm still trying to figure that one out.

I guess my experience is far from unusual.  I did receive a written apology from the hospital staff shortly after I sent them that RSVP email.  They have agreed to take Bernie's name off of their mailing list for this event.  I wonder how many recipients of this letter who are in the same situation I am, just have a good cry and then toss the letter in the trash without responding.  I think more of us need to follow through so that hospitals will think twice before sending such letters to every patient who may have passed through their door.

KRNL:  I can only imagine how traumatic that whole experience must have been for you.  I am so sorry you had to go through that and that my above post may have caused you to flash back to that experience.  My deepest apology for putting you through that again.

Krnl, not only did I go thru the same thing, all the paperwork I received for the next 12 months from hospital, govt health services and specialist clinics were robo-printed with messages for pregnancy & infant sales. Not health checks (which would have been bad enough), actual goods and services like maternity /birthing packs and babysitting agencies. 

For 14 miscarriages.

I complained each time.

Joanne,I am without comment for the stupidity of the organizational screw up as well as the emotional pain you endured as a result -- fear more of the same as robots take over our world!

My FIL was a member of the Elks. He died in 1979. We still get the magazine - even forwarded to our new address even though he never lived with us!

Efforts to inform the Elks of his death repeatedly have been ignored.

Who have you been dealing with at the Elks?  I finally got the VFW to stop sending their magazine by speaking with someone at Department Headquarters in Trenton. Bernie was a life member so waiting for his membership to expire was not an option.

On top of it all.  I just received a letter from the IRS that our 2013 tax return is being audited by mail.  Bernie was the one who always handled the taxes and most of the deductions are his.  The accountant we used in 2013 is located in Pennsylvania, I can't access Bernie's medical checking account, which would make things simpler because the bank wants an estate tax return before giving me access to the account and that hasn't been prepared yet, the pharmacy he used is out of business and I have no idea what the IRS means by miscellaneous deductions.  The problem isn't too few records but too many.  It would take a large carton to mail all of his medical and drug records and duplicating them will take most of a day at the duplicating machine in Staples.

joan_crystal said:

On top of it all.  I just received a letter from the IRS that our 2013 tax return is being audited by mail.  Bernie was the one who always handled the taxes and most of the deductions are his.  The accountant we used in 2013 is located in Pennsylvania, I can't access Bernie's medical checking account, which would make things simpler because the bank wants an estate tax return before giving me access to the account and that hasn't been prepared yet, the pharmacy he used is out of business and I have no idea what the IRS means by miscellaneous deductions.  The problem isn't too few records but too many.  It would take a large carton to mail all of his medical and drug records and duplicating them will take most of a day at the duplicating machine in Staples.

Contact the accountant that did the return .  They should be able to at least start resolving the audit on your behalf.

Taking your advice, I contacted the accountant who is handling the estate.  He agreed to take this on which is a huge relief.  I just gave him a thick file full of tax return information, receipts, bills, and financial statements.

joan_crystal said:

Taking your advice, I contacted the accountant who is handling the estate.  He agreed to take this on which is a huge relief.  I just gave him a thick file full of tax return information, receipts, bills, and financial statements.

Absolutely the right move; good luck!

I hate Comcast. I hate Xfinity. Nothing but issues today with phone, internet and TV!!

So wanted to learn more about recliner chairs for my husband. He needs the kind that lifts and reclines - no rocking, swiveling. A remote operation would give him the ability to operate the chair. Also a fabric rather than leather covered chair, to eliminate slipping. Prefer dealing on line at this point. Under $800? Anyone really has the perfect chair to recommend? TIA

I wish you were here, I'd hold your hand and ring Elite or somewhere like that and get the right chair.  

And Joan, I'm glad you've got the accountant to help.

Joan, ouch, more than a trigger point, more like a blow to head and heart. So very sorry.

I am still getting bills, all kinds of triggering things, but this is worse.

I hope your letter will stop any such future mailings to you from hospital.

Hope your weekend brings some sunshine to your heart.

I am getting tired of questions from people about my husband'so family, religion, how I am handling certain private things..and from people who should know better.  more and more I spend time with friends from outside the building, and I need still so much solo time, even for napping.

Good luck, Joan and no more such mailings!

I've been fortunate in that regard.  The only questions I keep getting asked by my friends is, "How are you doing?" and that seems to be asked far less frequently than previously.  I guess they can see I am managing as best I can.  Making the arrangements at the funeral home was the only time that religion came up in any discussions and that only had to be mentioned once.  Family information was just needed for the obituary.  My friends don't get specific in asking how I am handling private things other than to ask how my driving is coming along.   

I am anticipating a huge trigger on Monday.  Bernie and I planned the Memorial Day Parade and Ceremony in Maplewood together for many years.  This will be the first year that he will not be in the parade, checking things out before the ceremony ...  I anticipate that his will be one of the names on this year's roll call of those absent with leave from the memorial service.  This year's laying of the wreath will in part be for him.  

There is a good chance that the parade this year will be canceled due to the tropical storm that is supposed to arrive late Sunday and extend into Monday; but, the ceremony is still expected to take place.

On a positive note, the estate tax returns have been filed.  

joan_crystal said:

On a positive note, the estate tax returns have been filed.  

That's a major step!

Hurrah for forms! (And the accountant)

joan_crystal said:

I've been fortunate in that regard.  The only questions I keep getting asked by my friends is, "How are you doing?" and that seems to be asked far less frequently than previously.  I guess they can see I am managing as best I can.  Making the arrangements at the funeral home was the only time that religion came up in any discussions and that only had to be mentioned once.  Family information was just needed for the obituary.  My friends don't get specific in asking how I am handling private things other than to ask how my driving is coming along.  "> 

I am anticipating a huge trigger on Monday.  Bernie and I planned the Memorial Day Parade and Ceremony in Maplewood together for many years.  This will be the first year that he will not be in the parade, checking things out before the ceremony ...  I anticipate that his will be one of the names on this year's roll call of those absent with leave from the memorial service.  This year's laying of the wreath will in part be for him.  

There is a good chance that the parade this year will be canceled due to the tropical storm that is supposed to arrive late Sunday and extend into Monday; but, the ceremony is still expected to take place.

Good news about the filing.  Each step...

You know, you can stay home, or leave, if you need to. No explanations needed.

What a wonderful joint thing you did together, and for your community.  I was driving one day in spring rain and spring flowers and missing him like mad...suddenly I was overcome with gratitude still to be in the place we shared and that we saw this beauty together.  Happened without warning, this emotion, just as triggers do...and not permanent but I wish for you...

Drive carefully brave lady!

mtierney said:

I hate Comcast. I hate Xfinity. Nothing but issues today with phone, internet and TV!!

So wanted to learn more about recliner chairs for my husband. He needs the kind that lifts and reclines - no rocking, swiveling. A remote operation would give him the ability to operate the chair. Also a fabric rather than leather covered chair, to eliminate slipping. Prefer dealing on line at this point. Under $800? Anyone really has the perfect chair to recommend? TIA

I dont have this chair, but I have had good luck with their furniture. 

http://www.costco.com/Arlo-Fabric-Lift-Chair.product.100150722.html

Thank you!  I hope you are having a good weekend.  

On this message board I have been known to recommend that readers use the scroll bar to go past annoying/upsetting posts rather than letting themselves become upset by such comments.  Sometimes we have to apply a mental scroll bar in our off-line conversations rather than let what are often well-meaning comments get to us.

Thank you Petinia Bird! I saw that chair online and I also have complete confidence in Costco. The only color is brown and would not be my choice. But,we are not buying it for decor   so I may order that one if I can't get the color we need.

Necessity is the mother of invention for sure! Yesterday we removed our glass shower doors and put up arid and shower curtains. What a help getting my husband showered -- room for the aides to move him inand out of the stall. The doors made only half the stall access at a time. Does would rattle and go off the track.

thinking of you and all loved ones of Veterans today, Joan!

Those glass doors on showers are a pain in the butt for even the relatively young and healthy. We have one of those showers, and I will be swapping out that whole fiberglass tub/shower for a normal tub with curtain and grab bar in the very near future.

I'm glad the visiting nurse is proving helpful, mtierney.

Cross posted in Please Help.  I inherited Bernie's car.  I have a valid driver license. I received a form in the mail late this afternoon to renew the car registration by mail. Since I inherited the car when he died, can I simply return the form with my signature and identifying information or must I go to DMV in person? If in person, what do I need to bring with me other than the information requested in the form?  I obviously do not have a change of title transferring the car to me.  I do have his last will and testament which has passed probate and a copy of his death certificate.

The office is closed for the day and I cannot find the subject discussed on the NJMVC website.

Can anyone help with a correct answer to these questions?

YOU GOT YOUR DRIVERS LICENCE!   Woohoo! (I'm assuming this is different from the learners stage, because here you need to get a learners permit and do a couple of hundred hours driving before you go for your test) 

The New Jersey auto title transfer processes vary for vehicles that you inherit, give or receive as a gift, or donate. 

Inherited New Jersey Vehicles

A car title must be transferred to a new owner after the owner's death. You can use the vehicle up to 30 days after the owner's death without applying for a vehicle title transfer.
NOTE: If the vehicle has a lien, contact the lienholder to determine if the lien must be paid before transferring the title or if the lien can be transferred.
Complete the vehicle title transfer in person at an NJ MVC office.
To transfer the title and registration to a surviving spouse IF the vehicle is titled in both names, submit:
The current title.
A copy of the death certificate.
An Affidavit (Form BA-62) from the surviving spouse, which must be notarized.
Payment for fees:Title transfer fee: $60
Registration transfer fee: $4.50.

For a vehicle title transfer and registration transfer to an heir named in the decedent's will, submit:
The current title assigned to the new owner by the executor.
A Surrogate's Short Certificate.
Payment for the $60 title transfer fee.
Payment for the $4.50 registration transfer fee IF the new owner is an immediate family member.Otherwise, the new owner will need to apply for vehicle registration.

If the vehicle is being transferred to the estate OR if there is no will, see the New Jersey MVC website for car title transfer guidelines and additional document requirements.
In most cases, you DO NOT have to pay sales tax on an inherited vehicle.