Best Protection in a Custody Battle

conandrob240 said:

no one is suggesting or taking any steps for the grandparents to have custody. The question was around one spouses right to move the children 3000 miles away. The relationship with the grandparents is one factor in why that arrangement would be devastating to the kids. As long as the kids remain in range of both parents & their larger support system, I think a valid case could be made for living with either parent.

Unless your friend is unfit (and that can take months to determine), the ex cannot relocate 3000 miles with the kids. She may have to share custody more than she does now, but she'd have to lose her custody all together for him to have permission to move to California.

But this is internet advise and not admissible in any adult conversation

I get it and, again, this is not any kind of reality yet. Just looking for some reassurance and any "tips" to make it even less likely

The current law about moving children away aside, this scenario has so many "what ifs" - why would you think the man's fiance would want to raise his children 3000 miles away from any support system?  You say the children don't enjoy living with either parent and their grandparents parent them 60% of the time.  Your friend needs to understand what this means and stop pretending that she's 20 again with no responsibilities.   Any good judge will speak with the children and what they say will carry a lot of weight.  My guess is that the 17 year old probably parents her siblings as well as her mother.

My advice would be not to seek advice or take advice from anyone who is not an expert in child custody law. That area of law is constantly evolving and changing and is very fact sensitive.

However the bottom line is not the rights of the parents but "the best interests of the child".

No, the 17 yr old doesn't get along with the little ones and actually doesn't parent them at all. He is resentful of them, at best.What the 20% parent should be doing vs. what she is doing are two different things and all the conversation in the world cant move that needle if she doesn't want to change.  Preaching to the choir.  Maybe in the context of potentially losing her kids , a realization will be reached- who knows.

It is a relief that  judge will ask the children what they want- under that scenario, their father will never be allowed to take them away so that's actually a relief.

And, again, my concerns about this stem ONLY from some fragments of conversation with the child during play.  A role play with littlest pet shops in her room where she created a scenario of a daddy moving the little kid away when kid finishes 4th grade (coincidentally the time when her real-life sibling graduates HS) and how she's not going to go. She didn't want to discuss it as a real-life thing but I did reassure her while playing that "the little pet shop puppy wouldn't have to go to CA if she didn't want to.  That her "aunt" would always stand up for her, so tell her not to worry." That's when my wheels started turning about something her dad might be planning or telling her. Indications I have from her dad also lead me to believe that the new girlfriend is more than anxious to take on the kids.  of course, that is from him, not her and only her current thinking with no exposure to them so far so that might be a fun taste of reality for her if she has that thought in her mind LOL

There is also a strong possibility that I am just being paranoid, that she heard something out of context and that he is not interested in full custody (which fits much better with his current behavior)

You're asking us what to advise your friend, but is she really open to advice? Sounds like not.

it also sounds like advice hasn't at all been sought from anyone directly involved.

Short answer:  Be a good and involved parent.  Nothing will be more important than that.

I'd like to suggest that you delete this thread. There is so much detail on here now that I think it would be fairly easy for any of the parties involved to recognize themselves. Even if they don't read MOL, you never know who may pass the information along. 

It doesn't sound like your friend would react positively to this if it happened, or that she is open to the advice of strangers. 

what I was trying to do was get general info on what counts in a custody battle and see if there was anything anyone could be doing differently (within our control) to make it harder to be allowed to move the kids out of state. For example, does it help or hurt the case for grandparents to be involved? ( which I got good perspective on so thank you)  What either parent does is outside of the control but certainly suggestions can be made. There is no chance they would see this on MOL nor does anyone know any of them. They don't live locally and I'm their only NJ connection. And there is nothing in here I wouldn't say to either of their faces anyway.

I'll also add that if the father does want to take them away, the main reason would be so he doesn't have to give my friend child support. He doesn't like doing that especially now that he has a girlfriend and wants to start a new life. It wouldn't be about revenge or even a feeling that the kids would be better off, that's for sure.

The best advice here, and the only advice you can absolutely rely on is that you or your "friend" should talk to an attorney.  

I think the consensus here is that she needs to spend more meaningful time with her kids. Also that if both parents are equally disengaged but share joint custody, it is very unlikely that one parent could move across the country with the kids and maintain joint custody. Not much more to be said outside of contacting a lawyer. But it does sound as if you are more concerned than she is! Sad for the kids.

Regarding taking down this thread - Google "Best Protection in a Custody Battle." This thread appears second. Now that this is out there, will it ever disappear?  Your friend may not be googling this topic yet, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, she may find her life on display, and none too flatteringly.  

oh, dear. Didn't realize that. I will ask Jamie to remove. Who knew this would show,up as a top Google thread. Again, I really wouldn't have an issue if the parents saw it but if any possibility one of their kids could, that's not cool. Thanks.