When t Worry about a teen?

Is this a typical teenager (almost 17 years old) or should I be worried (well, I am worried but I am trying to gauge how worried I should be):

Spends most of his time in his room which is a basement room away from everyone.

Has very few real-life friends and no one I'd say is a close friend.  His interaction with friends is typically walking to the gym with 2-3 guys 2x a week after school and possibly 1x a month going to a movie with them or over to someone's house.  Not a change - I don't recall him ever really having  a friend he was close to or talked about. 

Rarely interacts with family.  In fairness, his mother ignores him and has for years. But, even when we are together as a family, he literally says 2 words to us over the course of 2 days. He was never social or talkative though so this doesn't represent a drastic change in behavior although probably more extreme.

Ignores or is mean to his much younger brother and sister.  Never plays with them, only has harsh words for them.  Occasionally shoves them or trips them or pushes them. Always been true.  He really seems to despise his sister especially.

Absolutely no activities at school or outside of school.  No sports, no clubs, absolutely zero involvement in school activities. Again, interest level hasn't changed.  he has never been into watching or playing sports.  he used to draw a lot but hasn't done that in years.

No interest in pursuing a learners permit or drivers license even when "gift" of a car is offered to entice interest.

Had a decent job last summer working at carnivals with a guy from school's family business.  Decent pay, never early am , could work whenever her wanted as much as he wanted, got picked up and dropped off and was given a food stipend in addition to $12/hr. Not hard work and I remember him making some friends there.  Wants no part of it this summer.  Refuses to go apply for other jobs.

From what I can tell from checking his twitter account- he is posting all day long at weird times, sometimes well into the night (2, 3 , 4 am) and during the day while at school. 

He is obsessed with one TV show.  To the point of distraction.  For example, I asked him if he wanted to go on a cruise a few months ago (which he LOVES) and he said "no, I can miss (tv show)"

Doing poorly in school.  Has never been much of a student.  Struggles still.  Failing 2 subjects and when asked about it, he doesn't know.  "x, are you failing two subjects?"  "How would I know?!?" is response.  Um, who exactly would know if not you?  Reports from teachers of being a nice boy, nice to have in class but doesn't do his assignments. His parents aren't very involved in his school and refuse to let others take over and interact with school officials/teachers.

His "friends" and interests outside that one tv show seem to be a group of twitter friends he's met around his love for the tv show.  That is the only activity where he actively "talks' to other people , seems to genuinely care about them and is vocal and opinionated in his communications with them.  As best as I can tell (through twitter although more time is spent texting and on snapchat), these seem to be  bunch of kids his own age and none of their posts concern me.  Some foul language but generally thoughtful, intelligent posts.  Nothing violent, drug-related  or inappropriate or suicidal. He wants to meet some of these kids in real life and has arranged to meet up with 2 on a summer Disney trip so he is interested in that and looking forward to it (and, yes, I plan to meet the kids first and know where they are going, etc)

Anyway, if this was your kid, how worried would you be?  Normal stuff?  or something of concern?

He is not my kid and my influence over him has waned a bit this pat year.  he no longer wants to come to my house or spend as much time with me unless I am planning a vacation.  I understand a teen usually doesn't want to leave home to visit his aunt- I do get that.  I am simply saying that although worried, perhaps my ability to do anything may be limited but I am open to suggestions

Just MHO but Yes, I would be worried.   I would have been worried for a long time.  Not hugely worried as in life threatening.  But worried because he seems very unhappy and because he does not seem headed in a good direction.   If you love him (which you obviously do) then you want good things for him, a good life and a good future and given the direction he seems to be heading that does not seem as likely as you might wish.  

He sounds depressed. It sounds like he is very angry ( I dont blame him). Based on what you are describing, the course he is on is headed for failure.

He may be in for a very bumpy ride upon high school graduation.   If he is failing two subjects and does not do his work then it seems unlikely that college is in his future.   Even if he does get in somewhere, unless his work habits and motivation change he may not do well.  

I have no idea how to turn this around.    I would start by talking to a counselor or therapist, and try to get him to one too.   You say you have little influence on him, but if you are providing the funds to allow for his trip to Disney you can set conditions for paying for it.  You can say, I will take you to Disney, but you must have a job for the rest of the summer or I wont take you. He needs to do something constructive during the summer. A job, serious volunteer work or a summer academic program might be things he should look in to.   Not doing anything absolutely should not be an option. 

You might say that if he fails any subjects he will have to go to summer school and the trip will be off.  If you can, perhaps you should offer to pay for tutors in the subjects he is failing.   If his parents are not on top of this could you have a come to Jesus moment with them so that either they try actively to help him or allow you to do so.

I hope things work out.  He is very very lucky to have you in his life.

I would not off the trip. If this relationship is all he feels he has going for him, passing classes may backfire. Just sayin'. He is obviously depressed. Plus if he is ADHD or has learning disability or NVLD, which may have to do with his limited social interests. I am not sure how much you can do. Maybe if he had a counselor who takes a real interest in him. If he is open to that.

Nothing there that sounds like there's something dangerous about to happen, but maybe some thoughts...

Issues with his immediate family seem to be the theme that runs through your comments. Has issues with the younger sibs. Resentment? Do the parents give the younger kids more attention?

His mother ignores him. Parents aren't very involved with his schooling. Failing, doesn't know why or care. Sounds like his parents don't care either, so why should he?

The TV show, the lack of super close friends- I think you're ok. Some kids are just more social or less than others, and yeah, he might be a bit withdrawn or depressed but that goes with the territory to a point. He made friends easily at his last job and is doing so again around his TV show- so people like him! They want to know him. He has the skills. He is able to connect when he wants to.

As you know he's at that tough age- not a boy, not a man. His parents should still have a gentle hand on him as he pulls aloft, but they don't. He's running out of runway, to continue the tortured analogy. He's in the "danger zone" and needs to make sure he's got his eye on the ball for some years that, absurdly, can have a massive impact on the rest of his life.

Another thing- the weight of the knowledge of that end of runway can be ruinous. If his parents aren't helping him figure out next steps on life, the future hurtling forward can be terrifying- as most of us can remember. If he sees all his classmates moving forward, with helicopter parents, he may feel paralyzed. 

So I think you gotta push a bit and find a way to break through a bit, even if he's throwing you a stop sign. It sounds like you are very close so you're not some busybody busting in and barfing judgement all over him. Normally I'd say talk to the parents and don't go around them but.... If they're out to lunch, more harm than good.

At 17 you have dropped in his eyes a solid 50 IQ points. That's the way it is. Once he gets to 25 he'll be shocked to see suddenly his aunt is smart again! So you have some tough sledding but you're doing a good thing for him- he can always tell you to take a hike. If you're worried he will find you annoying, don't. He already finds you annoying, as he does everyone over 30.

I know I will sound like a softie, but I'd say telling him he needs to have a job for the Disney trip is good, but I wouldn't say he has to pass his classes. I know passing classes is important, but it does sound like he is seriously depressed and if he feels he won't be able to accomplish that then he could not even try. From what you describe his having had a job over the summer seems to have been good for him emotionally and is a better start.

From other posts in the past I would say that this is long term depression stemming from his family situation. I know you have worked very hard at being supportive for him. Being that emotional support is important, but realize that he spends 95% of his time in an unsupportive and (IIRC) somewhat dysfunctional home situation, so this outcome seems to have been inevitable. This is NOT your fault, it is just that there wasn't any way for you to realistically be there enough to counteract the home situation.

I wouldn't know how to proceed really. He needs professional help to assist him in working through the issues he is now dealing with, and might even benefit from anti-depressants. However, as always I am assuming his parents won't let you step in and set this up, and they obviously seem to want to ignore the issue, which is part and parcel for the dysfunction that helped lead him to this depression in the first place. 

And yes, I understand that depression can and does also occur in people with perfectly normal happy home lives, but in this particular situation I feel it is fair to say that the home situation had at least a part in it. 

Thanks this is helpful.  I am torn on taking away things like the Disney trip- 1) because he'll honestly just say he doesn't care (even if he does) and not be spurned to change and, 2) most importantly because it is my chance to get him away from his environment, interact with him in a "light" environment, role model effective parenting and a decent marriage and allow him some room to stretch and even see people he considers "close friends".  If I take that away, its more time he sits in his basement room depressed and alone.

The school thing will be okay, I think.  Every year, he has been failing something and turns it around enough to pass.  I'd say overall he has a solid B-/C+ average so, while not going to Yale, I think we could find a school he can get into even if it means a 2 year community college.  I cant do much there except keep talking, take him to visit a few colleges and help him full out applications & financial aid.  Its the idea that he just doesn't care AT ALL about it or have any interest in school that freaks me out.  I just don't get it.  But, I was very active in school did very well and had lots of friends so I never had the tortured high school experience some (many?) had so I am never quite sure how off base I am with being amazed at his disinterest.

He tried a counselor but now refuses to go.  I can try again to see if his father can convince him- he is a bit more level headed (although mostly absent now from his life)

I am sure he resents the siblings.  They are much younger 8 and 11 years younger so, yes, of course, by nature of that alone he gets less attention. 

I just spoke to my husband more about it and he reminded me that when he was at my house for 1 day before his mother came, he was "fine".  meaning, normal teen interaction but he did speak to us a little and said yes when I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with us and he did sit there and watch it so he did want to be near us somewhat.  I don't think he thinks any less of me or us, I just think, like any teen, he'd rather be at home in front of his own computer, his games, his own bed than travel to his aunt's house. I have no issue with that, it just gives me less leverage with him.   Once his mother showed up he (all of us),  got tense, angry and unhappy.  And my husband said he physically felt him tense up, get angry when his mother switched seats after fighting with my father, then my mother and moved right in between teen and my husband.

So, how should I help him push forward?  Focus on college and making sure he gets there?  Giving him a vision for that?  I've got to get him out of that house.  I agree that the job is a must- I think I can make him take the carnival job again if I push hard but I don't want to push him away.  But I liked the way he was last summer at that job both socially and from a responsibility perspective.  I think it gave him purpose and a sense of self-worth.  But he's adamantly against it now and I cant tell if its because he's just disinterested in anything or if maybe something happened there with other teens.  I don't think he's being bullied.  I do think he likeable.  Silly as it is- on all three cruises we went on- he won "nicest" of "best friend" awards at the teen center so I do agree- he has the skills. He just doesn't have kids at his school that share his (limited) interests.

conandrob240 said:

Thanks this is helpful.  I am torn on taking away things like the Disney trip- 1) because he'll honestly just say he doesn't care (even if he does) and not be spurned to change and, 2) most importantly because it is my chance to get him away from his environment, interact with him in a "light" environment, role model effective parenting and a decent marriage and allow him some room to stretch and even see people he considers "close friends".  If I take that away, its more time he sits in his basement room depressed and alone.

The school thing will be okay, I think.  Every year, he has been failing something and turns it around enough to pass.  I'd say overall he has a solid B-/C+ average so, while not going to Yale, I think we could find a school he can get into even if it means a 2 year community college.  I cant do much there except keep talking, take him to visit a few colleges and help him full out applications & financial aid.  Its the idea that he just doesn't care AT ALL about it or have any interest in school that freaks me out.  I just don't get it.  But, I was very active in school did very well and had lots of friends so I never had the tortured high school experience some (many?) had so I am never quite sure how off base I am with being amazed at his disinterest.

He tried a counselor but now refuses to go.  I can try again to see if his father can convince him- he is a bit more level headed (although mostly absent now from his life)

I am sure he resents the siblings.  They are much younger 8 and 11 years younger so, yes, of course, by nature of that alone he gets less attention. 

I just spoke to my husband more about it and he reminded me that when he was at my house for 1 day before his mother came, he was "fine".  meaning, normal teen interaction but he did speak to us a little and said yes when I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with us and he did sit there and watch it so he did want to be near us somewhat.  I don't think he thinks any less of me or us, I just think, like any teen, he'd rather be at home in front of his own computer, his games, his own bed than travel to his aunt's house. I have no issue with that, it just gives me less leverage with him.   Once his mother showed up he (all of us),  got tense, angry and unhappy.  And my husband said he physically felt him tense up, get angry when his mother switched seats after fighting with my father, then my mother and moved right in between teen and my husband.

So, how should I help him push forward?  Focus on college and making sure he gets there?  Giving him a vision for that?  I've got to get him out of that house.  I agree that the job is a must- I think I can make him take the carnival job again if I push hard but I don't want to push him away.  But I liked the way he was last summer at that job both socially and from a responsibility perspective.  I think it gave him purpose and a sense of self-worth.  But he's adamantly against it now and I cant tell if its because he's just disinterested in anything or if maybe something happened there with other teens.  I don't think he's being bullied.  I do think he likeable.  Silly as it is- on all three cruises we went on- he won "nicest" of "best friend" awards at the teen center so I do agree- he has the skills. He just doesn't have kids at his school that share his (limited) interests.

Reading this.... I think you gotta bring him. I lost my train of thought in my babble earlier but meant to ask if he's more or less distant with his parents in the room. 

Getting some one on one with him away from home is huge. If I were going to be you- and this is based on my belief that he trusts you from all the years you've taken an interest- I'd say "look, this doesn't have to be super heavy and I don't want to dig into your business, but you've been a bit off lately. What's bothering you?" He might not even tell you right there, but it'll come out eventually while you're down there.

I'd just use open ended questions- "going to work this summer? Thought about college? Tell me about your buddies you made on Twitter." Not from an interrogating standpoint but just from a "hey that's interesting what a world people with shared interests can meet each other thousands of miles apart" way just to get him talking.

Your instincts are dead on in hesitating to push him on the job- and he's becoming an adult. He is moving past taking instruction and is moving into taking advice. 

I know all of this is basic and I hope it doesn't come across as condescending- I know how hard it is to know the right thing to do in these discussions. Easy for me to hand out suggestions, tough for you to know the right strategy. 

Above all I'd avoid judging or saying A N Y T H I N G that could put a 17 year old on their heels and feeling like they have to drop into a defensive crouch. It sounds to me that you are very much in the information gathering phase here, so just ask non judgmental questions. If he comes back with "yeah, I started huffing paint" or something insane you can at that point say, "DUDE!" but let him talk and remember! He's not the little boy anymore. Advise, don't instruct!

Good luck! He's lucky to have you.

Possible missed Autism diagnosis?

Other than doing poorly in school he sounds like my 16 year old.   He lives for anime and considers his online friends in the anime world to be his good friends, and has met a few of them.   He did have low grade depression for which he takes meds for, and is now a very well adjusted and confidant kid, he just isn't into the big school things, (sports, hanging out etc)

Yes, I'd be worried about him. I don't even have to read the full post.  None of it is surprising, based on the history of your posts about the family. Instead of wondering, assume as a given that all of these children have undergone ongoing trauma and will be affected by it. And it will show in their behavior and future choices. It's clear that the kids will/do need intervention.

Early on, he was tested for autism and ADHD.  Both negative but I think the ADHD was just below the diagnosis thresh hold. I do think there may be some learning issues there combined with motivation issues.  Over the years, he has occasionally broken down crying and expressed that he thinks he is stupid so there is definitely an issue there.  But he is able to do adequately well with proper focus and attention and support.   I do have a good amount of faith in his school system- it is tops and they are on top of things so I would assume this would have come up again if it were suspect.  My sister had a meeting with his teachers two weeks ago after she finally looked at his report card (5 weeks after it came) over the 2 failing classes and, even with that, the teachers were VERY positive about him saying he was an awesome kid, adequately participative just needs to make more effort and maybe attend some extra help a few days a week (which he started immediately)

No, Jackson fusion,, don't feel you are being condescending at all.  I really appreciate the thoughts and perspectives here.  I have no comparison point to judge how concerned I should be.

boomie said:

Other than doing poorly in school he sounds like my 16 year old.   He lives for anime and considers his online friends in the anime world to be his good friends, and has met a few of them.   He did have low grade depression for which he takes meds for, and is now a very well adjusted and confidant kid, he just isn't into the big school things, (sports, hanging out etc)

This is very helpful, thank you Boomie.  I know this is a new world with how kids interact and I know lack of participation in school is very individually-based so it is helpful to hear this. 

shoshannah said:

Yes, I'd be worried about him. I don't even have to read the full post.  None of it is surprising, based on the history of your posts about the family. Instead of wondering, assume as a given that all of these children have undergone ongoing trauma and will be affected by it. And it will show in their behavior and future choices. It's clear that the kids will/do need intervention.

Okay.  yes, I am not asking if they are affected- I understand they are.  I am asking the level of concern I should have regarding exhibited behavior- meaning, "he's in imminent danger of suicide"  al the way through "sounds perfectly normal" and some real suggestions for how a non-parent could  intervene with impact and minimal damage.

Actually, it sounds to me like the parents are the problem.  Did they go on family vacations, eat meals together?  It is one thing to have a sibling rivalry but to hate one sibling as much as it sounds will be a problem.  

Family counseling is what I would suggest,

shoshannah said:

Yes, I'd be worried about him. I don't even have to read the full post.  None of it is surprising, based on the history of your posts about the family. Instead of wondering, assume as a given that all of these children have undergone ongoing trauma and will be affected by it. And it will show in their behavior and future choices. It's clear that the kids will/do need intervention.

This just isn't very helpful, given that the OP has little to no control that would allow her to "make things happen".  I think the OP is more than a little aware that the kids aren't getting good parenting and that they have experienced trauma growing up w/in this dysfunctional family.

The options here are severely limited.  Staying in the lives of this kid (and his siblings) seems like the #1 priority.  Agree that asking non-judgmental, open-ended questions showing genuine curiosity/interest/caring while trying to very gently guide toward positive behaviors (like a summer job) is the right approach.  Convincing him to try therapy again would be great, but it's probably a high bar.

I have a feeling this kid might blossom at the right college, away from home.  He has proven he has social skills (in the right setting) and interests.  He goes to school, muddles through without much effort, and will likely graduate.  And he has a caring and supportive Aunt.  These are strengths to hold onto and hope he can make good use of them once he is a) older and b) out of the current home.

Too bad you can't grind up some antidepressant in his cereal.  

conandrob240 said:

shoshannah said:

Yes, I'd be worried about him. I don't even have to read the full post.  None of it is surprising, based on the history of your posts about the family. Instead of wondering, assume as a given that all of these children have undergone ongoing trauma and will be affected by it. And it will show in their behavior and future choices. It's clear that the kids will/do need intervention.

Okay.  yes, I am not asking if they are affected- I understand they are.  I am asking the level of concern I should have regarding exhibited behavior- meaning, "he's in imminent danger of suicide"  al the way through "sounds perfectly normal" and some real suggestions for how a non-parent could  intervene with impact and minimal damage.

Fair enough. But nobody here can tell you if he is suicidal. I wouldn't rely on a message board for reassurance. It would be most helpful to your nephew and to you for him to be in ongoing therapy so that there is a professional monitoring the situation at all times. That way, you don't have to evaluate, on your own, every bit of behavior and every change in behavior.

I feel for you Conandron240. Seems there's lots solid advice on this thread. In case it wasn't already mentioned, I wanted to add a suggestion that you or someone in the family start watching his favorite show too. Perhaps sharing a common interest will invite him to open up to the family. 

Hahaha said:

I feel for you Conandron240. Seems there's lots solid advice on this thread. In case it wasn't already mentioned, I wanted to add a suggestion that you or someone in the family start watching his favorite show too. Perhaps sharing a common interest will invite him to open up to the family. 

Love this idea.

mikescott said:

Actually, it sounds to me like the parents are the problem.  Did they go on family vacations, eat meals together?  It is one thing to have a sibling rivalry but to hate one sibling as much as it sounds will be a problem.  

Family counseling is what I would suggest,

I cannot make a family go to counseling and the parents are now divorced and don't speak to each other.

And, no they rarely acted as a family.  They never took family vacations or did much together as a family unit.  They did not and still do not sit down and eat a meal as a family.  My parents are with them regularly so, for the little ones, the mealtime and going out doing things together is more common but, at 73 years old, they don't have the stamina to give them a totally normal family life.  The older one, as would be expected of a teenager, opts out of most activities with his grandparents although my father frequently invites him to a movie on a Friday night and he always says yes and seems to enjoy that.

shoshannah said:

Hahaha said:

I feel for you Conandron240. Seems there's lots solid advice on this thread. In case it wasn't already mentioned, I wanted to add a suggestion that you or someone in the family start watching his favorite show too. Perhaps sharing a common interest will invite him to open up to the family. 

Love this idea.

My husband and I are now diehard Walking dead fans for EXACTLY this reason.  It has allowed us to have much better conversations, more frequent texting (on Sunday nights) and we are now the crazy fans that go with him to Walker Stalker Conventions! LOL

Take a look at one of the Outward Bound programs for teens. There's one called Intercept and some of them last for several weeks.  I imagine the multi-week program would be a life changer for a person who is unable to rely on his parents for any kind of support.

conandrob240 said:

mikescott said:

Actually, it sounds to me like the parents are the problem.  Did they go on family vacations, eat meals together?  It is one thing to have a sibling rivalry but to hate one sibling as much as it sounds will be a problem.  

Family counseling is what I would suggest,

I cannot make a family go to counseling and the parents are now divorced and don't speak to each other.

And, no they rarely acted as a family.  They never took family vacations or did much together as a family unit.  They did not and still do not sit down and eat a meal as a family.  My parents are with them regularly so, for the little ones, the mealtime and going out doing things together is more common but, at 73 years old, they don't have the stamina to give them a totally normal family life.  The older one, as would be expected of a teenager, opts out of most activities with his grandparents although my father frequently invites him to a movie on a Friday night and he always says yes and seems to enjoy that.

I know you can't make a family do anything but you were asking for suggestions.  I wonder if the hatred of a sibling has to do with the divorce, or his misplaced blame.  Hard to know but from your response, it seems that family counseling is what is needed or he needs to bond with a positive adult influence.  

No, the sibling animosity was there long before divorce was even a whisper.  He's essentially disliked his sister from birth.  In some ways, I understand it now because she is everything he isn't- emotional, talkative, dramatic, outgoing but long before that personality formed, he didn't like her.  I think just as she was born, he lost his mother.  She was, in many ways, a really good mother to him as a child- dedicated and loving.  When his sister was born was around the time 1) she had to dedicate more time to her because she was a baby and 2) she started to slowly come apart a bit from a mental health perspective and she started becoming more unstable.  I am sure he associates her with that loss of his mother.  He has more tolerance (although not quite love) for the brother even though that child is his polar opposite as well.  It's very sad because the little ones desperately want love from him and I am especially worried about the girl who now has lost her father and her brother thinks she is worthless.  Thankfully she has a very dedicated, involved and present grandfather who thinks the world rises and sets around her and also a really good uncle but her self-esteem is surely at risk from all this.

conandrob240 said:

shoshannah said:

Hahaha said:

I feel for you Conandron240. Seems there's lots solid advice on this thread. In case it wasn't already mentioned, I wanted to add a suggestion that you or someone in the family start watching his favorite show too. Perhaps sharing a common interest will invite him to open up to the family. 

Love this idea.

My husband and I are now diehard Walking dead fans for EXACTLY this reason.  It has allowed us to have much better conversations, more frequent texting (on Sunday nights) and we are now the crazy fans that go with him to Walker Stalker Conventions! LOL

This is great! I'm also a TWD groupie and a fan of all things zombie related. Other related activities that may futher engage you (should you dare):

Movies - too many to name but there are a few in the movies now, (Cooties is a hoot). Books like World War Z or Pride, Prejudice and Zombies. Anything by Palahniuk. Zombie Runs and street walks. 

Have fun and good luck

conandrob240 said:

No, the sibling animosity was there long before divorce was even a whisper.  He's essentially disliked his sister from birth.  In some ways, I understand it now because she is everything he isn't- emotional, talkative, dramatic, outgoing but long before that personality formed, he didn't like her.  I think just as she was born, he lost his mother.  She was, in many ways, a really good mother to him as a child- dedicated and loving.  When his sister was born was around the time 1) she had to dedicate more time to her because she was a baby and 2) she started to slowly come apart a bit from a mental health perspective and she started becoming more unstable.  I am sure he associates her with that loss of his mother.  He has more tolerance (although not quite love) for the brother even though that child is his polar opposite as well.  It's very sad because the little ones desperately want love from him and I am especially worried about the girl who now has lost her father and her brother thinks she is worthless.  Thankfully she has a very dedicated, involved and present grandfather who thinks the world rises and sets around her and also a really good uncle but her self-esteem is surely at risk from all this.

I wonder if you can take the opportunity to talk to him about the little girl particularly. He sounds like a decent kid (I mean decent in the truest sense as in he has decency). 

He's grown into this bad relationship with his little sister since he was 9 if I have the math right. 

That means he's arrived at this relationship with her. He did not choose it. Not really. 9 year olds don't choose how they will feel about a new sibling. 

He's nearly a man now. Maybe once you get at what's bothering him you can someday ask him to think about the thing that separates the child from the adult- the real recognition that their actions effect others.

He can choose the relationship he had with her. He's the grown man. She's a little girl. She lost her Dad and she needs him today more than she will in 20 years, and in 2-3 short years he will be in college or at least living on his own. The time to build a relationship, to have a part that will last forever, is now.

Repairing fractured relationships is hard in adults. But a 9 year old is forgiving! I wouldn't put it to him that way, suggesting he did something wrong, but remind him that it's 100% up to him to make that relationship right, and his decency will do the rest.

You can tell him that there are lots and lots of siblings who have horrible relationships as adults, and that it sucks for everyone involved. And you can tell him that the seeds of those bad relationships are sown now, as kids, and not at 40. If he's assuming he can fix it if he really wants to 20 years from now he's wrong. She will have learned to live without a relationship with her big brother by then.

Bring him under the tent. Make him aware of the problem and part of the solution. We all remember being 17. We don't know the magnitude of the impact we have on others. If you tell him maybe he'll recognize his current attitude has outlived its usefulness.

How many more months until he is 18? Once he is 18 can he move in with you to finish high school and then plan his next move? It seems like his home environment is a huge part of the problem, and if he can move in with you it is a safe place to land where he can seek guidance and receive real support. At 18 it will be his choice which is better than waiting for him to run away, get kicked out, start with the drugs and alcohol (could this be at play?), or worse. I would not even bring up college at this point. Maybe if he moved in with you he could work after graduating and start looking at community college or tech schools? Or even the armed forces? You are the only real rock in his life, his private cheerleader and advocate. Leaving home might be good motivation to get through the school year, especially to live with you.

he's actually 3 months from turning 17.  He doesn't want to live with me and switch high schools.  I have presented it to him as a possible option and told him I'd fight for it if he truly wanted it.  he doesn't want to leave his current school and start again. And based on his performance in school, I am not sure to push that one because I think his school is excellent and supports him academically.  It might be very hard for a kid with possible learning issues and limited social life to switch schools just for junior year. He's also not one to rock the boat and I am quite he knows the sh&* storm that would come from his mother if he ever said he wanted to live away from her so I am sure that is part of it also. I do want to force him here when he finishes high school if he doesn't go way to college though so that is on my horizon just not sure I should fight the battle to remove him from school end of junior year. I may consider moving there next year and living nearby so he can come and not have to switch schools but that would be pretty life-disruptive to me and my husband would have to leave a good job.

Jackson, so well-put about his relationship with his sister. I will try more to tell him how important he can be to her self-esteem and how she grows up seeing herself.  I don't exactly role model a good sibling relationship so perhaps I can do better there as well although I'm actually more involved with her than I want to be.  If not for them, Id have no relationship with her other than to make sure she had a roof over her head and didn't walk the streets.

And, I don't think alcohol or drugs are an issue but I couldn't say for 100% sure they are not.  The effort it might take to get them makes me think he wouldn't bother but he certainly is alone enough and has his own $ to obtain if he wanted to.  He doesn't hang out with anyone though so it would be an alone thing which would be way worse.

Some great advice to you. All I can add is that kids cop the attitude that they don't care when they feel they have too little control of the outcome. He is very lucky to have you for an aunt. 

Maybe he can live with you after HS graduation, attend Union County Community College, go to therapy, get his life together during those two years, then transfer to a four-year college.