To hyphenate last name or not?

For the past year I have put off going through the name-change process after getting married. I feel I am getting to a point where I just have to do it and am very confused! I have been leaning towards hyphenating though I have read some blogs and articles where the majority warn against it for various reasons. Looking for input from those who have hyphenated, know someone who has hyphenated and their experience, or considered hyphenating...

Here is my thought process on why I would like to hyphenate:

1) I really don't want to give up my last name - it has been my maiden last name for close to 4 decades and (honestly) it is a great last name. I have always thought my parents did a stellar job naming me and I can't imagine not having my maiden last name be a part of my complete name. I have also worked for the same small company for the last 12 years and feel that I have to stick with my maiden name in that professional world.

2) I really want a name connection to my husband and future children.

Anyone have any experience to share - positive or negative - that will help me figure out what to do?

Alternatively, should I legally stick with my maiden last name and just unofficially use my married last name (no hyphen)?

All I can say is that changing my name took a lot of work and time and that was WAY before 9/11, which can't have made things easier. So if you think you might want to keep your name as is and just use your husband's name socially, it will certainly be easier from a paperwork point of view.

But, I'm sure that it will have complications from other perspectives.

My conclusion on this issue is that there is no right answer, so you should do what makes you happy and figure out how to deal with the associated issues.

Good luck!

My wife did it (hyphenated) after we had discussed that she wouldn't and it made me furious. We got married abroad and it couldn't be changed on the marriage documents in time. I actually considered canceling the wedding because of it. Its not as important to me now but back then I remember being as mad as I had ever been to that point. We went over it 1000 times before the wedding but she claimed she didn't know it was that important to me. Still makes me a little angry to this day. Either way I would just say make sure you and your future spouse are in agreement on what you decide.

I can't comment on the hyphenation, as I chose to keep my uniquely identifying last name, but I linked myself to my child by using my last name as his middle name. Since my husband's last name is quite common, this had the added benefit of making my son's name unique when including his middle name.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I like what friends of mine did. They both changed their names. Not sure if they hyphenated or just added each others names to their names. Dr. Jill Smith married Dr. John Jones so they are now the Doctors Smith Jones

I didn't hyphenate but used my family name as a middle name, added my husband's name and go by Nancy Maiden Married, so to speak.

Gave the kids my name as his middle as well.

It's worked okay for almost 40 years.

It's honestly not that onerous to change your name so don't worry about that part. I would go with whatever feels right to you. I changed my last name and my children have my maiden name as their middle names--andmy middle name is my mom's maiden name. So it's all in there. I might have kept my maiden name as a second middle name or something but honestly it just didn't sound good.

I sometimes struggle with others' hyphenated last name. Especially when I'm in a doc's office and they ask for the name of a doc. I sometimes shorten the last name to just one, because I get impatient with something that confuses the clerk taking the info.

I kept my maiden name because I did not want to change my name since I had established my professional identity as such. However, I was always happy to be referred to by Mrs. Husband's surname, as my daughter's mother, at schools and social functions that my family attends.

I changed my maiden name to my middle name, so that could be an option too. Then you could just be known by 3 names

We both decided to hyphenate after much debate and soul-searching. I also had a hard time giving up my maiden name. Tried it for a few weeks and just couldn't do it. I was ready to just keep my maiden name, but thought we should hyphenate future kids. Spouse didn't like that idea because we would all have different last names and it would be a pain and confusing. After thinking on it, he came to me with the idea that we both hyphenate so we would all have the same last name. Almost 25 years and two kids later and it has worked out just fine for all parties. My kids also have many peers with hyphenated last names, so isn't unusual anymore.

His family thought it was pretty weird that he would change his name, but oh well!

I hyphenated- made it easier when we got divorced and a reverted back to my maiden name-- i think i knew in the back of my mind his name ( and well he) wasnt going to stick around long

I changed my last name to my husband's because it is much easier to spell and pronounce, but it was a total pain to change my ss card card, driver's license, utilities, credit cards, frequent flyer accounts etc. I have noticed that many women are now making their middle name their maiden name. I wish that I would have thought to do that

I had been working in my field for almost 15 years, and was the only one of three sisters who still had my late father's last name, so I kept it. The only hint of confusion ever was the handful of times when I was called Mrs. [Mother-in-law's name]. NBD. My children have their father's last name and they each have a middle name from my family. I also like @afa's middle-name solution.

You can call yourself anything you like as long as you don't intend to defraud anyone. Some people append the spouse's name for social purposes. No hyphen needed. I have several friends who are Ms. Maidenname at work and Mrs. Husbandsname at home.

mjh said:
My strong belief is that if you have an intact and healthy family, the kids are fine with whatever you choose. In fact, I don't think I have ever heard of a kid being confused or troubled by the parental name choice.

Absolutely...teachers are very good at figuring out parental last names, and it has never really been an issue. Occasionally someone calls me Mrs. Husbandsname, and I just take it in stride.

Having a different last name has made no difference in in our family "connection" (although I'd probably take along some proof if I travelled abroad with kids and without spouse)

I never really considered changing my name...I'd had it for a long time, was very comfortable with it. I had a modest professional reputation under my name (e.g. academic publications), and didn't really want to deal with having different names in different settings.

My husband had a quick twinge of concern about not having all of the family names match. I told him that if it really mattered to have all of the names match, I'd be happy to pick one of our last names, based on one fair, binding coin flip. You could just see the consciousness raising in seconds, as he contemplated the idea of changing his name, and gave me a quick "never mind"!

I love this approach!

susan1014 said:

My husband had a quick twinge of concern about not having all of the family names match. I told him that if it really mattered to have all of the names match, I'd be happy to pick one of our last names, based on one fair, binding coin flip. You could just see the consciousness raising in seconds, as he contemplated the idea of changing his name, and gave me a quick "never mind"!

For personal and professional reasons I chose not to change my name or hyphenate. Because my husband and I have different ethnic backgrounds, my father was concerned that people might not immediately assume we were married and recommended that we carry a copy of our marriage certificate in case one of us ends up in the hospital, etc. I have a miniaturized copy in my wallet. I think its a good idea for any couple with different last names.

Since you've already put it off for a year and also state that you love your last name, I'd say just keep it. The kids won't be harmed by it, this isn't the 1950's anymore (thank God).

spontaneous said:
Since you've already put it off for a year and also state that you love your last name, I'd say just keep it. The kids won't be harmed by it, this isn't the 1950's anymore (thank God).

I didn't change my name. My children have my husband's last name and I have never felt like we would be closer or more connected if I had their last name. They've never been confused by our family having different last names.

Last month we went to my 7th-grader's school play and one of his classmates referred to me as "Mrs. SpouseLastName". My son looked at me and said, "that's not your name", like I should correct it. He was kind of bemused that someone would assume that it was. I let it roll, like susan1014 said above, on the rare occcasions it happens. And honestly for most of your child's life, you are going to be called "Kid'sFirstName's Mom" by their friends, e.g. "Joey's mom, can I have something to drink?"

I am a firm believer in keeping or changing to the name you like best. I kept my name and my kid took the husband's name and we hardly ever had a problem, except with my grandmother who would write me checks with my name changed. She told me "You can be a feminist after I die."

I really like my last name so I kept it. Wish I could get rid of my first name, but I've had it so long it's not going anywhere.

I have a relative like that. Her side of my family doesn't dare utter the word divorce aloud, and she continues to address birthday cards to Mrs. [My first name] [My ex's last name].

Is "grass widow" still a thing?

I had to look that term up! Interesting. I can relate.

I kept my last name and I never have an issue. If I'm calling on behalf of my husband or children, I just say, "So-and-so has a different last name. It's..."

When we had a dog, they called my husband Mr. Mylastname because the dog was registered under me. And my dry cleaner sometimes calls me Mrs. K. It's not worth correcting him. If those are the biggest issues with the names not matching, I'll take it.

Keeping personal opinion out if it, I'd suggest NOT hyphenating for strictly administrative reasons. The hyphen will cause issues in many systems (for example, you will never get TSA pre-check to bypass customs- the system will reject the hyphen). More of a hassle than it's worth and the hyphen thing is definitely "out of fashion" these days.

I guess we're unfashionable.

NizhoniGrrrl said:
We both decided to hyphenate

We did too. The spouse knew I wanted our children to carry on my last name as a piece of their last name. I know this isn't common, and it's not for everyone, but it made sense for us.

Haven't had a problem with the hyphen in most modern electronic systems.

When my son, who is now a young adult, was at Marshall school, the parent directory had a cross index in the back of moms' names and their kids' last names - so many moms had different names than their kids did.

sprout said:
I guess we're unfashionable.

NizhoniGrrrl said:
We both decided to hyphenate

We did too. The spouse knew I wanted our children to carry on my last name as a piece of their last name. I know this isn't common, and it's not for everyone, but it made sense for us.
Haven't had a problem with the hyphen in most modern electronic systems.

What happens if Pat Smith-Jones marries Kelly James-Wilson? I actually know someone with about ten names because in the culture he was raised in your name is as far back the familiy tree (father's side only) as you can remember.

Then the kids make their own personal choices as we did.

I kept my maiden name and we used the Spanish naming custom when naming kids. No, we are not Spanish, but spouse and I are of different ethnicities/race and naming kids was a little complicated. So kids have First name, Middle name, Spouse surname, my surname. No hyphens. Outcome is that Spouse's surname is often mistaken for kids' middle name and spouse often gets addressed by other kids as Mr. mysurname

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_naming_customs

Fwiw I was raised in the 70's and 80's in a family where my mom had a different last name than my sister and I and even back then when it was assumed a married woman would change her name it wasn't really that huge of a deal. I don't remember ever really having to explain it to anyone in any depth.